Sunday, February 20, 2005

I'm sorry...

Fate really has a way at toying with the feelings of mortals...
And i'm like no other people, a mere mortal thats vulnerable to pain, agony, sufferings.... and mistakes... to err is human...

I can't believe how much truth i found out, when fate decides to turn the tables on me instead on this fateful night...

I've always emphasize on this strict belief of mine,"Everything happens for a reason, and i've to know every reason so as to conquer everything." And yet, fate sends its servant, Tiandi to come and tell me the truth...

I find it hard to believe just how similar these 2 people are, my special someone and Tiandi, apart from the difference in diet and the way they express their feelings(one extremely introverted and the other extroverted), their views on the bulk of the problems plaguing people were uncannily, the same...

And thats when i've decided to find out things which one didn't wanna tell me, from the one that dared to...

Its either heaven or hell i remembered...
The power of the stars that held our lives and personality, does it really matter?
Can't a T and S be together?
Can, possible, heaven or hell...
I seriously didn't know, until Tiandi, a T, tells me that a T actually is a perfectionist(like me) who sets even higher standards for their boyfriends then their friends. However much they say that they dun mind or appear nonchalant about certain things, they actually do!

I was overconfident, overly proud of ourselves to take notice of all the small details that you've been keeping track of...

things such as my lack of effort in my own studies,
my lack of effort in finding out your feelings that you've been hiding,
lack of effort in sharing your burdens,
for my absence from the times when you would rather me be there but wasn't,
my foul mouth for teasing you without considering that you would rather me praise you instead of joking about your blunders and lowering your self-esteem even further,
for criticising you without criticising myself,
for asking so much of you without giving you what you want,
for even wanting to change you for the "better",
for saying "somethings" so many times that it becomes insincere anymore,
for doing things without considering your feelings,
for living in a world where it only revolves around me and you hanging on to me,
for not noticing your hints,
for opposing you deliberately just to tease you,
for hurting you time and time again till you feel there's no hope anymore,
and finally, for being such a sore loser, and a jerk, and being so proud of it all...

Fate has its day, i'm the sinner...

knowing someone from another person... What a nice way to tell me that i've been wrong all these while. Its like i've been given a tight slap to wake me up from my own world, my dream...
Now then do i know the hurt i've suffered is much less than the hurt you've been hiding, faithfully keeping it to yourself because you loved me more than you love yourself...

I just wish to say that i'm sorry for:

my lack of effort in my own studies,
my lack of effort in finding out your feelings that you've been hiding,
lack of effort in sharing your burdens,
for my absence from the times when you would rather me be there but wasn't,
my foul mouth for teasing you without considering that you would rather me praise you instead of joking about your blunders and lowering your self-esteem even further,
for criticising you without criticising myself,
for asking so much of you without giving you what you want,
for even wanting to change you for the "better",
for saying "somethings" so many times that it becomes insincere anymore,
for doing things without considering your feelings,
for living in a world where it only revolves around me and you hanging on to me,
for not noticing your hints,
for opposing you deliberately just to tease you,
for hurting you time and time again till you feel there's no hope anymore,
and finally, for being such a sore loser, and a jerk, and being so proud of it all...

Tiandi is right, i think i should just give up, chances were there but i didn't take them, and most likely, there's no more chances... i do not deserve such a good girl like you, some other great guy truly deserves you more than i do...

Till then, i think it would take my lifetime to truly become a worthy companion to anybody else...may i burn in hell...burn all my sins away...

But at least i really hope that at some point in time, i did make you happy or boost your confidence for i really long to once again see the smile that has been missing from you for some time, the very smile that took my breath away and shown me the light at the end of the tunnel... I hope to see it the next time i see you ya?

Till then, till then...

alvinz blogged at 1:06 AM

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