Wednesday, April 18, 2007

God is with me... and he says "Peace be with you"

I am always so amazed with my lord...
how he can always be there to provide for me...
how he can always be there to comfort me and give me the words that i need to hear...
how he shows his perfect love for me...
and seriously, i do feel that i might be his favourite child after all?
hahaha...
nah, i'm not fighting with pastor David here... :P

Really... seriously... amazing...
just amazing and indescribable is this feeling and encounters...
really...
one after another...
let me share it with you guys...

After what had happened on saturday,
i was seriously down...
sad... miserable... watever u call it...
and on sunday, i went to church early in the morning to seek his comfort...
really...
apart from the usual time where i spoke to him in tongues,
he blessed me with his words indirectly thru pastor chee kin who was doing the preaching that morning... always letting me know at the right time, what i needed to know...
taken from John 20:19-23

"On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said,"Peace be with you!" After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the lord. Again Jesus said,"Peace be with you!As the Father has sent me, i am sending you. And with that he breathed down on them and said, "Receive the Holy spirit.If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven;if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."

The lord has come to reassure me thru pastor Chee Kin that my fears are unfounded, that i should be reminded of my faith and continue to trust in him that he will see things thru for me and grant me peace!
After hearing this, i immediately see the light already...
i knew i was really over reacting on my part...
that i had my own faults as well as i looked back on the events that had unfolded over the week...
and from that point onwards, i had peace...
peace that stems from his love,
from his reassurance that i could just leave my life in his hands...
and everything will be straighten by him...
i really just brighten up after the service...
really...

really...
i need to forgive people for their sins...
so i forgave her which leads to my phone call, and which leads to our reconcilation...
miraculously, she was also happy to see me and to be forgiven, and we had such a great time together after that...
its not nice to be angry for so long...
especially with the one u love deeply...

and guys...
i didn't share this problem with people at all...
but i was actually troubled for the past 2 months or so, by the fact that i couldn't find any attachment companies even after the application date is like way overdue...
which could ultimately lead to me having to graduate after my usual 4 years...
how sad if that were to happen right?
and that has really been giving sleepless nights really, where i could only pray for him to help me...

but i just wanna share this piece of good news...
this miraculous good news...
that i've just been accepted into Siemens this coming holidays!
Yes!
And prof Chua has decided to approve my application even though i'm handing in late becos he wants to see me graduate on time!
And i would also like to thank all those people who has helped me find jobs too, Wendi, kaishen, weiliang, Natalie, Prof Koh...
Really man, you guys are my god bless friends who has been encouraging me thruout this whole episode...
last minute, miracles can still happen...
hahaha...

Such is the power of my God...
such is the perfect love of my God...

Pastor chee kin went on to share a great story about what peace is...
he shared that once upon a time, there was a king who is searching for a painting with the theme on peace...
after many rounds of competition, it boils down to 2 pieces...
the first piece shows a magnificent scenery of the hills and mountains, clear blue sky with some white clouds, reflection of the sky on the face of the lake in the middle... wow, this is certainly the kind of place people definitely wanna escape to, to seek peace and away from the troubles of their lives...
on the contrary, the second piece shows dark clouds looming, storms, still got hills and mountains, but the greenery are whithering, there was a forest fire going on some more... but at a corner of the painting, it shows a nest of birds, the mother feeding the young chicks with worms and seeking shelter from the storm...
Which painting do you think, won the prize?
Quite contrary to many people's beliefs, it was the ugly one that won...
the rational?
Peace is not something that you can get, just by running away to some paradise where the storms are not there and you make believe urself to be free from worries and thus peaceful by being in those places...cos reality will still come back and hit you...
But peace is something, that amidst all the storms and unhappiness that is in your life, is still present in your heart, and the belief that you know you are and will be peaceful, no matter what comes your way...
I mean... this is just so profound la!
Wow...
Exactly like what God is providing for everyone of us now...
the peace that ensues amidst all the storms in our lives...
the assurance that he will always be there for us...
and friends, i have experienced all these wonderful things, how about you?

really, its just amazing...
its just amazing what God has granted me...
And with excitement, i await to see future works of him in my life...
cos i know he will never let me die...
he will make me prosper and abundant...
And God, is there any way i can show u my appreciation?
just name it!
haha...
Hope to hear from you again lord...
lord of my life...
love you!

alvinz blogged at 2:44 PM

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Saturday, April 14, 2007

Tried to sleep after my last post but i cant...
tears just kept flowing...
i dun understand just why must this happen to me now?
Right at this moment?
barely 5 days to my first paper...
must my inner strength be tested all the time?

i forgot that i only had a meal today...
too busy to eat anything after i went around the whole of orchard this afternoon searching for the present to cheer her up...
my stomach is empty and uncomfortable but my mouth just refuse to take in anything...

I'm tired but my mind just refuses to stop thinking of things...

thinking of all the things that i've done for her...
all the smiles and happiness i've given her...

never getting appreciated by her...
never once did she stand up for me when peole talk bad about me...
"Just listening and taking in everything people tell me and i dun wish to tell anyone" she says...

by now, i'm still just an outsider...
nothing more...
i give her everything and she took everything and left me nothing...

and all these felt so real...

she says she hates her bf for hiding things from her...
because she'll be hurt even more when she found out herself...
but she has became the very thing she despises...
and this time, i'm the victim...
but the feelings are the same...

she would rather make the effort to encourage him to do well in his exams than encourage me...
so much for a dinner... nicely sum up with a hug that will make her cry after that...
normal dinner or normal outing?
ya rite...

i would certainly be so happy even if she just ask me out for dinner...
just to see her making a little effort to make me happy...
but i dun think i'll see it...

I'm so heartbroken and i dunno just how soon can i pick myself up again...
will i fail my exams this time?
does it matter anyway...?
will she even care anyway?
isn't she more concern about him in any way more than me?

i'm so stupid... so stupid...

alvinz blogged at 11:27 PM

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End of the road...

Truth hurts...

I thought i could last until she has finally recognised me as the one in her life who has always been so so true to her...
I thought i could understand everything that she is going thru and i'm prepared to brave any storms with her by being her shelter...
I thought i could make her life so much more than she has ever been...
I thought i could bring her to the light and keep all those evil people away...
But i have never ever thought that my nightmare could come true at such a crucial hour...

No mood?
haha...
No mood still can arrange to go for a dinner before exams?
Very good...
When is my turn coming to go for dinner before exams?
I dun think she intended to ask anyway...

Truth hurts...

"Dun worry, now there'll be no one to tell you whether you're doing the right or wrong things anymore................. no one to tell you what to do............................ and no one to care for you anymore.................... Thats what you want isn't it?"

These are the exact words that i said to her...

And i always knew she would never have make me stayed...
She would never cherish me...
All these... that i yearn so much...
She would never give me...
But i still opened my heart to her...
To seek all those deepest stabs she can ever give me...

Will she even sms or call me after that?
I dun think so...
maybe she even yearned for me to disappear just like that!
Hah~ Good riddance!

I'm stupid...
Yes i know... i just told myself this morning...

I will always remember the courage that i had, to not to drop any tears in front of her...
the courage to walk out after that...
the courage to stone all the way home...

I will always remember the loneliness i have as i walked in the rain...
with the rain resonating with the weather in my heart...

I will always remember the pain that i have to endure all alone...
with nobody caring...
its my own fault...
Yes i know...

I think rain knows me best now...
is that the reason why i like listening to the rain?

and rain...
is right here with me...

alvinz blogged at 8:48 PM

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Crows crows, why wun they go away?

Crows are crowing all the time...
giving people the false sense of help...

i just dun understand,
why are there always people with so many things to say?
they think they are trying to help, but in actual fact, they say something to make the person have second thoughts, and then leave the person to sort things out, never ever helping the person to see it thru...
even when the truth has kept proving itself time and time again that they are wrong, they can easily still come back saying things like "I still feel that he is untruthful" when there's no rational behind it...
isn't that doing more harm than good to the person?
What kind of help is that man?
Aren't they like wishing to see more "show" happening?
Adding fuel to the fire only?

I just knew that she was troubled...
troubled by something unknown to me...
something that she has refused to tell me...
and i think she has just leaked it out to me...
people are still talking a lot of nonsense...
and she's still taking everything in without knowing right or wrong...

i just dun understand how can she just dun see the difference between me and other people?

The things that i advice her, that i cautioned her...
the things that i do for her,
the care and concern that i showed her,
the precautions i threw in place to protect her,
i think i can be a very good husband already...

And my concerns are just the same things that her parents would tell her as well?!
but she thinks i'm just like ANY other people,
trying to TELL her what to do...
Trying to force her to accept things irrationally, and want her to do things that i want her to do, no questions ask...

and i asked myself "REally meh? I'm such a manipulative person meh? I'm like a crow who creates trouble meh?"

I looked back towards all those times where i've cautioned her before,
or even pointed out her mistakes at handling her life...
didn't i presented all the facts and figures and analyse things rationally with her,
showed her what would be the consequences of her subsequent actions,
gave my own unbiased point of view,
and showed her the various options avaliable before her so that she could decide for herself?
And even the times when she just dun wanna think so much and just anyhow decide in my way, didn't i advise her never to buckle to the pressure i might be giving her?
She needs to understand why she's doing it for herself, not for my sake the stupid person!

Wah lao, there were so many times where i would have just told her "You are so stupid! Cannot think for urself so let me think for you!" but never once did i do that...
never once did i say "I say so, thats why u must do things MY way!"

She just likes to put herself in dangerous situations,
situations which might deal her a great deal of pain and suffering,
but she just dun wanna listen to me about thinking so much for herself so that she can protect herself!
My advices are falling on deaf ears!

And i can feel it...
i can feel that she is hiding more and more things to herself...
she used to tell me well... most of the things that her friends have been telling her, whether good or bad...
but now?
its just... silence, i dunno, dun wan to say...
i probe?
no use... she just wun say and she might just get even more emotional...
i respect her, hoping she'll tell me one day...
but i think its hard...
well, maybe i'm too harsh to her by showing her the evils of this world one after another till she just dun wanna think so much anymore and finds my advices more annoying than beneficial to her? If i only tell her the good things, things that she likes to hear only and not what she needs to hear which more often than not, are not pleasing to the ears, then i'm not helping her at all! I would be seeing her fall into an abyss which i can see and not doing anything to help her... would that make me a good friend? a good lover? a good caretaker?

If her idea of a good friend or lover is just someone who says nice things everytime, pampers her and give her the illusion of happiness, then sorry i cant do it...

If she dun wanna help herself,
then there's nothing my help can do...
cos i dunno how to help you when i dunno where u need help!?

What can i do?
I'm worried for her and my heart hurts as i see how she continue to live her life the way it is before and continue to get hurt with no lessons learnt at all...
How can anyone continue to be so stupid?

And this reminded me of my parents in their early years of marriage...
where somehow, they always quarrel because my dad goes out with his friends and they teached him all the wrong things which he thought they were trying to help him...
come back and quarrel with my mum for some stupid reason his friends pointed out where due to his simplistic thinking, cant even judge for himself whether they are right or wrong!
how absurd it is when they anyhow just say something like "I look at your wife and think your wife will bring you bad luck! Never get controlled by her, she's a bad wife!" and he actually believed them at that time!
What a great example of crows!
Only know how to wreck havoc within harmony nia...
Good thing my dad has since woken up and learnt from his lessons liao, and it wasn't an easy journey too... think it took him about 15 years into his marriage to realise his folly... How can a husband not trust his wife who loves him more than anyone else?

How can she not trust me more than anyone else when i love her more than anyone else in my life?

And i realised, its not the crows who are at fault, they are just behaving like themselves!
Who's at fault is the one who seeks to listen to them and bring harm upon herself...
so who can blame anyone but themselves?
Stupid girl!
Thinking that if she dun give her friends the chance to voice their opinions, she might lose them?
But if its only trouble that they give, i would rather not have them as friends...

I'm disappointed, tired and demoralised...
but i still need to gather her spirits together and cheer her up again...
But why would a nobody in her life do that for her time and time again?

I'm a nobody, i dun get recognised for my efforts repeatedly...
I'm stupid, really very stupid...
And she still dunno that its the kind of sacrificial love i'm giving her...
The kind that all girls crave...

I love you girl with all my life...
But i'm dying here because of your foolishness...

alvinz blogged at 10:54 AM

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Getting out of Negativity...

Ok...
my blog has resumed its previous image...
that certainly dun suit me...
i'm an optimistic person lor...
how can i let such things affect me for so long right?
haha...

well, pulling myself out from the shit hole can be quite a chore...
but i need to do that...
couldn't be that both of us are down isn't it?

all that i wanna do right now is to concentrate on my studies and making my decent living...
and the rest?
well... i leave it to God to decide for me ba...
no use pursuing something that God doesn't bless me because its only through him, that things are possible...
my puny human brain can never fathom what lies ahead of me when i choose the route myself...

there...
:)

alvinz blogged at 11:02 PM

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