Thursday, September 28, 2006
2 weeks 1 day...I think it was a really bad day today...
really really bad...
i was upset since the start of the day when she told me she is going for wong lee hom's concert with her ex... really dun understand why is she doing this to me...
doesn't she know that it'll make me upset?
and this isn't the first time already...
so many many times...
and wat can i do?
i can only tolerate quietly, suffering on my own...
if she likes me, why must she do these things to hurt me?
why couldn't she just say no for once?
why must she always listen to other people and do their bidding?
I'm so hurt,
i feel like shit,
i feel like rubbish, unwanted and thrown aside...
and i dunno the reasons...
My logic is slowly taking over me,
my pain indicator has reached its limit...
i'm no saint,
i've been suppressed too long...
i need to break out of this shithole...
Who's gonna comfort me if i'm at the losing end?
Who's gonna be there for me to help me retreive my heart if it got thrown away?
Who's there to nurse me back to health again?
I dun think i can ever recover this time...
And i'm sad, sad and i sang a song...
very fitting in my heart as i imagine the moment when i get the hard answers i've been waiting for...
i cried as i sang this song, but my logic has been screaming at me to open my eyes and use my brain!!!!
i've been a fool too long...
I need my answers and i need it now...
Showdown tonight... it is done!
*Bracing myself*
歌曲：你要的不是我
歌手：
林俊杰怎么能忘
时间多长
你快乐吗
想代替你回答
你知道吗
走了好远我才能去面对
这份牵挂
沉默伤悲
你要的不是我
心碎的失去轮廓
曾经给你的感动
只是情绪的波动
能给的不是我
放任你沉溺自由
掩饰不了我的笨拙
就连说话都会颤抖
我被遗忘在你遗忘的角落
我被遗忘在你遗忘的角落
alvinz blogged at 4:49 PM
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006
2 weeks! seems so long...i woke up in the morning, feeling really sleepy, but still i struggled to my com to take a peek to see her on msn to see that she's safely at work...
but i discovered something, her msn nick is the same as mine!
it goes like "Argh! my tummy is getting fatter and my black eye bags is getting darker..."
whereas mine goes "Aargh! cant concentrate..."
haha, so funny, so close...
but i feel really secure just seeing her on msn everyday, even though i dun talk to her...
but today, i just cant hold back anymore le cos somehow, i know that her ex is still contacting her everyday... dun ask me why, i just know...
well... it was really nice talking again and there was just so much to update her on...
updating then resulted in meeting her (under her own consent) at her condo's gym where we had a good workout and a good chat after that... haha, so missed it all... and i bet she missed me too cos we just cant stop yakking to each other... and she is just so happy to see me that i didn't think she even stop smiling a single bit (haha, not exaggerating ok!)...
and well, halfway thru our chat, a call came in for her and it was from her ex... why am i not surprise? haha... good thing i have a better deal sia! i get to SEE her! bleah! though she had to lie to him about me being not there in order to stay out of trouble? haha...
Guess it'll be a good night sleep for me tonight... Yawnz...
so sweet...
alvinz blogged at 11:26 PM
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
1 week 6 daysa reassuring sms in the morning from eng choon says that he' s ok after last night's foray...
and i still seem drunk when i woke up in the morning, my head light, my eyes sleepy...
and i feel weak...
weak at heart...
no strength to do anything...
i wanna lie in bed and while my time away cos it just seems to pass so slowly,
there's nothing to look forward to...
for one whole day, i got myself carried away with youtube, my comics, my bed and msn, my home support party...
sorry i cant concentrate, my books gathering dust on my desk...
suppose to be watching banquet today and see my beloved girl, but i cant...
all cancelled...
and i'm sorry i sms you last night and just now... i cant help it...
i wanna care for you but there's a limit i can do...
this whole arrangement seems stupid...
if you cant make up your mind again, if you cant stick firm to your decision, it would still be the same and the wait will be redundant again...
toturous for both of us...
i knew... from your replies that you wanted to talk...
that you had trouble leaving me alone too...
we just miss each other so much...
but i gotta respect you...
i gotta give you the time and space to convince yourself...
i wonder if i'm over doing it...
had tried blocking you on msn for a day and i can't stand it...
gonna meet eng choon for supper later with 3 other girls of his with champions league after that...
4 out of 5 have problems...
a guy who was chasing one of them suddenly just found her incompatible and wanted to end it all without sparing a thought that the seed was already planted...
one of the girls might also end up with the same fate as me after she has fallen for a guy who just broke up and things are just getting started...
the other 2... u guys know ba...
why is everyone having this problem?
issit the season?
will the 4 of us have a clear blue sky after the storm is gone?
stay tune...
alvinz blogged at 10:12 PM
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Monday, September 25, 2006
1 week 5 days...Today, i've to join my brothers in arms...
Fighting a war to save his life...
He is a good man, judged unfairly by circumstances and a judge that condone injustice...
After 5 years plus, relationships can still be dissolved just like that... Makes even the strongest believer of everlasting love like me question the existence of it, is my faith blind and not concrete?
In search of this answer, i decided to dissect my brother eng choon's failed relationship...
Is time a good gauge of the steadiness of a relationship?
If half the time there are thoughts of breaking up just that no one voice it out, is that still considered steady?
If only one party is doing all the work, issit true that the other party does not love the other anymore? or simply taking the person for granted?
Eng choon filled us up on that and it seems like he has been the one doing all the work with no room and space for himself and his friends, the temper of his girlfriend is not helping him to work things out between themselves either... Recurrent problems such as this one repeated wat happened a year ago, but it seems like this breakup is for real...
Issit simply, a case of mismatch? incompatibility?
Maybe? But eng choon is not one to ask for much, a simple guy, just wanting simple appreciation for the things he do thats all... no fanciful criteria on how his ideal girlfriend should be... no superficial requirements for how well endowed she must be... just accepting whoever they are for what they are...
this kind of guy, where to find?!
and given his stats, he is not a bad catch either, above average looks, steady future, well-planned finances... wah kaoz... to all the ladies out there, wat are you all waiting for?
I think what the real problem is and why it has dragged for so long even if there is a mismatch is the emotional attachment that the 2 parties have... knowing there's a problem, it must be resolve immediately, dragging on the problem will only put stress on the relationship, slowly molding away the sweet coverings and the richness inside it... slowly, the love gets eroded away with one party retreating to just want to avoid it and hopefully it will disappear by itself without realising that so would her own determination to solve any problems which comes their way...
And the mismatch is definitely not helping... maybe it might have been better off if they had realised it sooner and make a cleaner break than the one they had a year ago? and not let the emotional attachment dragged them further into the shit hole...
I always believe that no union is perfect, but how the couple sets out to solve the problem, to compromise, to accept each other and the committment to make sure all these things happen are the things that make the difference between a lasting or a non-lasting relationship... and its definitely the love for each other that keeps this going...
haha... i think i can say so much for another person... but wat about me?
I'm in no better shape... i must confess that i'm really a hopeless romantic, one that will let emotional attachment drag me deeper, but also one that will do anything to make things work out...
But wat if i'm taken for granted one day?
Will i be able to tell myself that enough is enough?
Can i stop myself from putting in the effort towards someone who might not deserve it at all?
I dunno man... seriously dunno...
maybe its best to remain single?
yet i crave to be in one...
people say that most of the time, those people who showed the most love towards other people, they are the ones that need love the most... i totally agree! haha... can anyone love me? (not advertising here)
girl...
if you are feeling tortured by the situation you are in, it pains me...
if you feel the problem is yours alone, you are not alone...
if you find it hard to find happiness, let happiness seek you...
if happiness is something i can give you, let me seek you...
Maybe all your problems will be solve if i can do something,
then maybe i should do something to stop you from hurting yourself,
cos it pains me...
and one person's pain is not as significant if he can see the person he love, is happy...
I may need to be this person soon...
My dinner at Thai Express, the legendary Drunken Fire Noodles! Wah kaoz, super hot sia!
I Survived! the number of tissue paper i've expended shows just how hot it is... good thing there's ice water... phew! and nope, i'm not showing you guys my sausage lips! bleah!
Playing with Ayumi's glasses... haha... super retro kia! like some big bad mafia leader!
Eng Choon and Ayumi!
Ed and Eileen, always cosy... haha
The whole support party!
alvinz blogged at 11:44 PM
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Sunday, September 24, 2006
1 week 4 dayscoincidentally, today is my sister's 15th birthday celebrartion as well... her birthday is tomolo...
in anti-climatic fashion, i'm out with my family while she's out with her ex...
for one whole day, i did not bother them cos i was already expecting him to start his brainwashing actions and heart softening tactics on her and she already told me that she would most likely not return my sms nor pick up my call while she's with him...
and thats really hurtful... but wat can i do? powerless against such an arrangement and to pursue it would mean more hurt for her and myself... is it true that she would rather hurt me than to hurt him when it comes to times like this? feel really worthless man...
and no doubt they talked... for a long time they talked...
and again, the "Royal Edict" was passed down again that i should stay away from her to minimize watever meek influence that i have on her so that she could rethink her decision to part ways with him... and its like wat the hell right? she already told me a week ago that her feelings for her ex are not strong enough for them to get back into a relationship already and then wats there for her to rethink?
using mushy tactics like "i will die without you", "i've realised my mistakes and have been taking you for granted all these while..."... hah! And it took him this long to realise it? afterall, its already the second breakup already... it took him this long?! I think anyone could see that its a last ditch effort to salvage something that was not there already, no sincerity at all man!
But of course, these are sweet words enough to fool most girls... no doubt the already soft hearted her would have swayed again in sticking firm to her decision...
the result of it? once again i'm assigned with a burden to carry on my own...
or maybe... its a hint that something is about to happen...
meanwhile, enjoy the pics from the lavish dinner i had with my family...
For starters...
Plate clearers!
Wah!!!! Chilli Crab!
And the birthday girl with the earrings i gave her! Chio right? hahaha
alvinz blogged at 10:42 PM
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East Coast... With her in tow!God!
I saw her today!
Thank god for making it happen!
Woo hoo~... i just wanna thank everyone for the support man! We really had a great time, though there were just slight blemishes near the end of it when she kenna ordered to go home?!?!
sigh... gotta focus on the good things and ignore the bad ones....
its been ages since i'm on a double bicycle, the last time being when i was primary 6 when i still dunno how to cycle and i was on the pri 6 graduating excursion haha... had to share one with a pal...
and its the first time i'm on one with a girl...
one who bullied me the whole time, showering me with pinches and ear tugging...
but one who provided me with the best company everwhile cycling... ahha, u were great girl!
she finally got to meet my friends who made her gel in almost immediately with their friendiness and curiousity haha... and i was still worried in the first place, chey!
well, glad that even though she had the chance to insist not coming here halfway on the journey when i broke the news to her about my friends coming along, she still turn up...
glad that she has started to blend into my life just as i had blended into hers... and very well indeed...
glad that there's progress!
i can't wait for our next outing!
so guys, enjoy the pics!
Group shot number 1... double bike group : me, serene, tiandi, steven, edwin and eng choon!
Me and Serene
Guys group! from left: kevin, shengshi, engchoon, me, steven, and edwin trying to be gay!
Girls group, from left: serene, jie xi, peiling, mag and tiandi
The whole bicycle gang!
Serene clearly enjoying herself, looks as if she's dancing right? hahaha
alvinz blogged at 2:12 AM
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Friday, September 22, 2006
1 week 2 days...haha, So happy that she decided to go east coast with me...
she had initially wanted me to ask my friends to go clubbing at night with her but i guess its impossible since we have to attend huiling's birthday party tomolo night...
but oops, i didn't tell her that my friends are going with us... die die... how am i gonna break it to her?
but i was thinking, everytime, in the past, whenever i talked about getting my friends along for the outing, she would initially agree then get cold feet near the end again... so i guess maybe i shall give her a little push? haha, xian zhan hou zou abit... :P
but i have faith in my friends that they are friendly enought o make her feel at ease, right guys?
haha
gosh!
so looking for ward to tomolo... cant wait to see her after so long... miss her lots lots man...
Yeah!
gonna have sweet dreams tonight...
alvinz blogged at 11:05 PM
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1 week and 1 day...Oops, missed one day...
Probably was too happy indulging in the resumption of our daily conversations, which i think to me, has hit an even higher frequency... hmm... dunno if thats good or bad...
but i guess it's most likely a good sign right?
wrong!
our conversations revealed that nothing much has changed over this period of time...
she has not made any progress in her thinking,
not to mention, she has once again revoked her decision regarding how she should be treating her ex...
*faint*
makes me kinda wonder if the one week that i've endured is actually worthwhile or not...
Women are really complicated creatures,
dunno what they want most of the time because somehow,
(this is my own opinion) they want everything in one package which most of the time, never happens... thus... maybe its better to keep friends with such qualities around and enjoy the most of such qualities till... its time to settle down and then they will find the best match (one who meets most of the criterion) and make do with it...
I'm not implying anything here, but seriously, can girls ask themselves truthfully whether this is what they are thinking and dismiss my interpretation as bullshit arising out of self-pitiness?
Of course, i must admit that i'm not someone with the best packages around other than sincerity which most sincere guys would have (and girls would always say sincerity is the most important quality though most of the time ended up being as worthless) ... thus i'm being unfair by coming up with this opinion...
i think i will have to come up with a preposition soon...
i've been denying my logical brain speaking power in favour of my emotional brain for a long time...
i think its time to do something on my part... Soon...
alvinz blogged at 7:00 PM
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
6 days...i'm so happy,
happy that our daily conversations have resume...
and i get to know about your daily stories again...
like how tiring your work can get, while i teach u how to be a "good" employee...
haha..
i'm glad that you allow us to talk again, literally telling me that you amended the rules...
but one thing is, you told me that there hasn't been any progress in you deciding whether you really like me or that those feelings that we enjoyed are really LOVE?
and you told me that everytime when you think there's progress in your thinking, something will happen to pull you back again... haiz... wish you would tell me what kind of progress was that and wat happened to nullify it again...
just wish that as the days go by, you'll make my wait worthwhile and recognise your feelings soon...
waiting faithfully...
alvinz blogged at 2:13 AM
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
5 days and counting...I told you girl, i can do it with your encouragement...
and you took things further with a morning sms to wish me good luck!
that was some initiative you took ya? certainly means alot to me! so sweet of you...
i think i should be able to do well for my quiz since after checking with my peers on the answers, i should get about 2 qns wrong out of 10... isn't that great? haha...
and boy, am i glad that we had another great chat tonight and i'm happy that you took the initiative once again to tell me you'll call me back again after a disruption in the middle....
and girl, how i miss your laughter when i pulled off a funny stunt thru the phone when i called you... it was really nice that i can make u laugh until like that, i always knew i could, i just wanna make u laugh forever more...
if only you would let me...
really, i really do...
praying for us everyday...
love you...
alvinz blogged at 2:55 AM
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Monday, September 18, 2006
4 days of abstinence... but...i'm sorry girl, i had to call u, i just couldn't stand it anymore...
I have an upcoming test, but i can only study half-heartedly...
I need you, need to hear your voice so hard...
miss your daily stories...
our photos and videos are not enough at all, i've watched them countless times...
I just couldn't keep my hands away from the phone,
from pressing the buttons to you...
i stopped myself from dialling the last number so many times,
but i finally couldn't stop myself anymore...
i just wanted to wish you all the best for your first day of work tmr...
I was sad that i couldn't get you that one and only time,
and hope that you'll not call me back so that i would not break my promise,
but u still did...
and it took all my sadness and guilt away...
To hell with them all, i'm indulging in my happiness!
we had a happy chat no doubt, but why did you have to call me back?
was it really out of politeness?
or did u miss me just as much?
why wouldn't u just speak your feelings from the heart?
but it got me going...
yeah...
i'm gonna pull thru my test and give u the results of your efforts!
onwards and onwards...
i'm waiting for you...
alvinz blogged at 2:50 AM
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Sunday, September 17, 2006
3 days without her...i'm drained... totally... just wanna sleep now... but my hair is wet, have to wait...
just came back from a ktv cum drinking session with my friends, totally appreciated their efforts to accompany when i'm down...
Initially i thought its suppose to be an all guys drinking session, turns out that all their girlfriends turned up too! haha, totally surprising, and i'm glad to have such good friends around man... they gave me one hell of a good time...
Me drinking hoegarden!
The guys who were there!
Enjoying a threesome?haha...
Jason flexing his vocals!
A late-comer, eileen on the right with tiandi...
but...
the ktv still reminds me of the ktv sessions that we have together girl...
those sessions that we blended so well in the duets...
those sessions that we had our own fun...
the ktv mtv girls reminded me of you girl (even my friends say so!)...
the drinks reminds me of the drinking sessions that we had together girl...
the gentleness that we exchanged...
I miss you so much girl...
so so much...
and i only have this blog to express my feelings...
I'm so sad...
people say alcohol brings out the sorrows in us...
the beer was bitter,
but it cant beat the bitterness in my heart...
I gotta hold on...
i know i have to...
some things are just worth waiting for...
another day beckons... hopefully i can pull through...
*grits teeth*
alvinz blogged at 3:26 AM
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Friday, September 15, 2006
2 days without her...
i'm so confused!
People say never try to understand women cos u'll never understand what they are thinking...
i guess its quite true, even for someone like me which she finds me unpredictable and deep...
I dun understand why we can still talk so much when u wanted to hibernate,
why u still allow me to talk to u,
why u still want to talk so much with me,
i mean...
isn't the answer very clear?
We click so well because we have chemistry?
We understand each other so well?
We have feelings for each other?
I dun get it...
Your sms to me is very clear, i know what issit that you want, i'll try my best to fulfill ur wishes cos i understand k?
Even though i'm suffering from missing you,
from not seeing you,
from not hearing you or talking to you,
I must be strong,
i must pull through this harsh period,
so that you can convince yourself that there's nothing wrong with having those feelings when you are with me,
I'll leave you to yourself,
i can only hope that you'll see the light sooner so that we'll not waste anymore of our time going thru all these pestering details and instead, cherish our time together and write our own story...
Ganbatte!
*Grits my teeth*
alvinz blogged at 11:27 PM
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Thursday, September 14, 2006
1 Day without herMy heart hurts like hell,
I cant breathe,
I cant walk,
I feel sick,
I wanna just stay in bed...
I feel so whiney...
Where's the confident guy who told her he can make his heart hard and endure it all?
Who's the one who told her that he is in control of his emotions all the time?
I'm choking on my own words now...
I thought i could, but i cant refroze the ice she has melted with her smile...
I cant rebuild the walls she has crumbled with her voice...
I can still remember the happy times we've spent together,
all the words that we've exchanged,
the sweetness that we've concoct,
and i'm suppose to give all these up?!
I cant do it!
Damn! Why am i such a weakling?WHY?!
I'm beginning to hate myself...
I'm crying again...
STOP IT!
STOP!
Just wun listen to me...
alvinz blogged at 5:14 PM
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Aftermath...
Aftermath...
Of wat?
She asked me to blog, so i blogged...
This is the last day i'm meeting her before her hibernation,
Might be the last day i'll ever see her again...
I had my first cable car ride in my life with her, the air was cool with a tinge of sadness...
She threw our ticket down into the dark forest of the night and we saw it flutter into the darkness... I had intend for her to keep it to remember this night but it was not to be...
We had a long chat, to sort things out, and things we did sort out, to part is to be...
I was jolted by the harsh realities, after all that we had, it had amounted to nothing, i was perhaps just lucky, to be able to lend my shoulders, to gather her tears, to keep as namesake, as a friend...
I didn't cry as i expected, i dunno why, perhaps it was just too great to show at that moment...
Does it make a diff?
I wanted it to be peaceful, i didn't want it to be troublesome...
Will it make a diff?
We left Mount Faber with a smile...
But why am i only crying now?
The hurt that i have is only too familiar to me,
i have darkness on my bed, waiting for me to embrace it, cos it is just as lonely as me...
It can never meet its other half, brightness, they can't exist in the presence of the other, yet they are made for each other... how ironical...
Ironically like us...
Darkness beckons...
When did i allow it to creep up on me?
Perhaps it is the only thing i'm left with now, and i have no choice...
I have to try...
Misery and Darkness might make a better combination afterall...
alvinz blogged at 12:45 AM
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