Thursday, December 28, 2006

Watching over her from my silent post...

Seriously, after all my closest friends know what i'm going through now,
and discussed with me on the options that i have...
they advocate nothing but for me to move on...
i guess they are being protective of me,
not wanting me to continue to torture myself,
not wanting me to waste my holidays away,
and not keeping the next girl in my life from waiting...
but...
can i have a fusion of your ideas?
can i continue to wait for her but i'll stop torturing myself,
start enjoying my holidays,
and do my important stuff?
and i'm sorry for the next girl in line,
i dunno who you are but u needn't wait for me either...
haha...
watching her from a distance comforts me just as well,
knowing that she's still in sight gives me peace,
and quite bizzarely,
we are communicating on msn in a really funny way,
or maybe i'm just talking to myself again?
haha...
sigh...
when will i see her again?
miss her lots lots...

alvinz blogged at 11:51 AM

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Xmas Videos!



This video was captured while i was out with my parents in Orchard Road...
Look at how chaotic it is and what do i mean of snowing by spraying haha...



This video was captured during my morning service where kids were gathered to sing jingle bell rock! haha aren't they cute?



This video was captured during the youth fellowship celebration dinner on friday when i was the drinks IC... haha, some of the guys with good singing prowess were gathered to perform songs for our audience which consists of non-believers and believers... and we call them, our very own, Noel Divo! hahaha...

alvinz blogged at 1:07 AM

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Monday, December 25, 2006

alvinz blogged at 11:44 AM

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Sunday, December 24, 2006

A season of thanksgiving or heartaches?

And that reminds me...
out to prove whether its a season of thanksgiving or heartaches?

let me do a count...

Kaisheng broke up with girlfriend -1
kaisheng's friend was too late to propose to the girl he loves - 2
Jiahong's troubled by BGR problems - 3
Weijuan's r/s is once again on the rocks as she is on a severe cold war with her boyfriend who patched up with her after a brokeup a year ago -4
I'm hanging on to a thread of hope after she decided to put me on hold and making me suffer-5

Hmm...
5 examples within a short span of 2 weeks...
do u think thats a high rate?
i certainly think so....
but i guess...
maybe its for the better...
cos the truth/outcome/consequences is not out yet...
it could be a blessing in disguise...
and its things like this that always remind me that God always have a way to show us his love...
perhaps its his way to show that he'll always be with us no matter what happens?
that he'll make things right for us again?
haha
only time will tell...
we shall wait and see his miracles...

and i wonder if she's doing anything on christmas eve or christmas day?
should i ask her out?
i really miss her...
really really...
and i wanna make sure she'll not have a lonely christmas this year...
can i?
i dunno...
most probably, her ex will be there ba...
sigh...
there's no need for me i guess...

alvinz blogged at 4:26 AM

***

A warm dinner and pub...

Had the honour of joining my long time friends, Sugui, jinsen and Jiahong for dinner with their friends, or actually, part of sugui's cell group haha...
Jiahong and Jinsen had earlier accepted sugui's invitation to City Harvest Church's christmas service at expo, so i made them meet me for dinner...
and jiahong brought us to a nice sichuan restaurant opposite the concourse where we had a warm and nice dinner...
warm applies to air con which is not cold enough and food thats spicy enough to make us sweat haha...
it was delicious nevertheless, i think mine was the best, the ma la zha jiang mian...
haha...
and we went to his friend's pub nearby after dinner...
and come to think of it,
its our first pubbing experience together wor!
haha, else we always very guai one, always go coffeeshops nia...
:P
we had a great time singing and drinking and playing bar games...
the microphone there is defintiely better than that of plasma ktv where i frequent with another clique...
our main objective was to make jiahong happy and high cos apparantly, he was also troubled by some problem which he refused to say but which i suspect is another case of BGR problems...
haiz...
at least the waitresses there are very friendly and even serve us drinks constantly and talked to us and was very helpful...
haha, some of them were quite cute too!
That sure took away some sadness...
:P
Though Christmas ought to be a season of thanksgiving, it seems like to me and many of my friends, its a season of heartaches...
seriously,
i hope everything turns out well for everyone of us in the end...
may it be...
a christmas miracle!
Enjoy the pics below!



alvinz blogged at 4:05 AM

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Saturday, December 23, 2006

her happiness is mine...

haha,
at least she appreciates what i did for her...
i'm happy that at least i'm still able to give her some happiness without meeting her...
she told me that more of my friends wished her than her own friends...
and i just wanna tell her this,
you have me and my friends,
who are also your friends too k?
you are never alone in this world...

and we went on to send each other about 7 smses...
hmm...
not bad, considering that we didn't talk for so long...
but i still missed her a lot...
i yearn to cuddle her when the weather is cold,
i yearn to bear my heart and share my secrets with her...
i yearn to be there for her when she's feeling down...
will she want me there too?

i recalled that i had a friend,
who made a guy waited for her for 3 long years before they finally got together...
but i wonder if in between, did she got attach to other guys or not...
but man...
this guy is really so true to her...
so patient with her...
and now they are happily abroad,
my friend is sticking to him all the way...
hopefully they'll get married and live happily ever after...

and i also recalled that you once asked me a few times before...
that how can i be so sure of my feelings?
how can i be so sure that you are the one for me?

well, my heart says so...
my guts say so...
my brain says so...
the whole me says so!

since i'm so sure...

i have to prove it all with my actions...
if thats the extent to proving my love for you...
proving that true love really exists...
i'll wait for you girl...

and it reminded me of something else too...
didn't your ex promised to wait for you no matter what happens?
how come now he said he was already thinking of moving on after only 2 months apart before you notify him that you are unsure again?
so now, how true are his promises actually?

silly bobo still cant see it...
sigh...

alvinz blogged at 2:16 PM

***

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Weak!

She said she has a bad feeling about her birthday,
afraid that no one would wish her...
so i gave her a little happiness...
i let my friends know that its her birthday today...
up to them to wish her...
and they did...
haha...
hope i'm able to make her happy...
though i'm not beside her now...

but I cried again...
why why why?
i'm so weak...
i can't get up...
i wanna prevent myself from thinking about her...
but it feels like i'm killing myself...
like i'm tearing my organs away from my body...
like i'm suffocating...
cry cry cry...
does it make me feel better?
no it doesn't...

there are too many unanswered questions...

alvinz blogged at 6:06 PM

***

Foolish me has done it again...

Alright alright...
i sent her my wishes...
best...
and when i tot she wun even reply me after waiting for nearly an hour,
she finally replied...
guess she was with her ex after all,
probably had a little bit of a celebration,
a chit chat session...
maybe popped the question?

well, credits to me for being the first person to wish her happy birthday thru sms...
but he is the first person to wish her verbally and face to face i guess...
wait wait....
thats me too!
i wished her face to face on the 18th right? so i'm first right?
haha
and she copied me in the way i sang my birthday song too...

sigh...
sweet memories again...

from the way she replied me,
guess she had fun,
guess she's happy...
thats good...
she should be happy...
and well...
and that makes me happy...
too...

and i had a chit chat session with my friend kai sheng,
and he was telling me all those heartbreaks that he went thru...
and he's even going through a breakup now after a r/s of 2 years...
wow...
and personally, i think he's a good guy too,
a really responsible, thoughtful and caring guy...
yet the girls before him dun cherish him too....
its funny why 2 sad people are comforting each other now...
saying encouraging things which both of us find it hard to carry out...

why good and true guys have to go thru this kind of hardships?
why dun the girls cherish us?
why do they prefer guys who is able to manipulate them or make them submit to them blindly?

it really makes me wonder, does it really pay to be good when you dun get what you want?
all i want is to cherish the girl that i love...
and get loved in return...
what's so demanding about that?

Maybe its good to be a jerk,
no strings attached...
everyone is just out to have some fun...
one night stands...
woo~
love in an instant!
or if not, we could still make love?
haha...

*slap*

i can never be what i cant be...
follies of the human heart...

Well, at least i gathered another opinion today...
Kai sheng was telling me,
he was still maintaining contact with his exes...
and when they left him for another guy,
guys which he and his friends felt was bad or not as compatible as he is with his exes,
and he felt that only time will tell whether he is right or not...
and so far, he has been right...

"Only time will tell if the r/s can work out against all the odds that only bystanders can see...
Be a gentleman, let them go..."

the girls broke up, suffered more heartaches...
all because of their own follies...
blind people...
stupid people...

"well, if things were meant to be...
when she realised who's really true and compatible with her,
she'll come back to you..."

thats what he says...

will it happen?
or will she feel too guilty to come back to me?

i dunno...
i can only hope and pray everyday for her...
even though my heart feels pain for her whenever i see the hardships lying ahead of her,
i know i can't make her see it anymore...
it's her choice to choose...
heaven or suffering...?

if only things are meant to be...

alvinz blogged at 12:34 PM

***

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Dilemma...

Its about another half an hour to her birthday...
and i'm faced with a dilemma of whether do i send her my wishes,
or just let it pass...?
will she appreciate my wishes?
is she enjoying herself in the presence of him now?
haha...

laughing bitterly...

i passed her her birthday present earlier,
so that i can give way to him?

i mean i can just go over to her workplace and pick a fight right?
i'm sure he'll be there...
to take her away from me...

i dun wanna put her in a spot...

though i'm quite sure that she'll prefer i wasn't there,
so she wun get into any trouble...
or issit?

or issit just that she wun want to disappoint me when i have to see her choose to go with him over me?

haha... i guess so...
look at how attached she is to him...

even at times like this,
why do i still find myself giving in to her?
still giving in to them?
kaoz...
i'm the one thats being dumped man...
foolish

you dun even mean anything to her...
piece of shit...

wat do i do now?
can someone tell me how?

alvinz blogged at 11:22 PM

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

First baking experience with ah juan...

Taking my mind off her is top on my list of priorities these days...
Even though i'm still praying for her to realise who's really true to her everyday,
her irresponsible actions is telling me to move on...
so when the opportunity calls,
i took it up...
baking carrot cake with cheese frosting!
haha...
ah juan is really bo liao too... but watever, we had fun!
Lets go thru the steps below!

Firstly, we have to get all the utensils ready right? there you go... make sure u have a checklist ready!


Now we have to mix all the ingredients together, the flour, vanilla extract, sugar, eggs, cinnamon powder, walnut crumbs, grated carrot and baking powder... wow... thats a whole load of ingredients, dun miss out on their proportions hor... consequences will be disastrous... and now i also know why ah juan got me here liao... i'm suppose to take the place of her electric beater la! kaoz... it was really hard work mixing that viscous mixture up man... think i trained my muscles liao haha...


alvinz blogged at 12:55 PM

***

Disappointed...

Disappointed that whenever they had some big quarrels, i'll be the first to be cast aside...
I can't believe my eyes when she sent me the smses to get me out of her life...
when the one quarrelling with her is not me,
when i'm not even the one at fault...

and yet just an hour before, we had just made the promise never to lose each other as friends...

and it takes a slap from my friends to jolt me from my senses,
to stop myself from blindly defending her actions...

i was always telling my friends that she's just confused,
she's just at a lost, she dunno what to do,
her actions is just to buy her the space and time to think things through...

but...

if i'm someone of importance to her,
if i'm even a friend of hers,
if all that i've done ever matters to her...

she wouldn't have done such an irresponsible thing to me,
she wouldn't have just cast me aside so easily,
and gave me nightmarish nights,
a lousy appetite,
a depressed mood,
and all this...
when its not my fault...

feel like garbage...
feel like i'm nothing at all...

her sweet assurance that i was never a substitute in her love life seems like an illusion...
so far-fetched from her actions that i find it hard to believe her...

i guess thats the reason why she feels guilty whenever i'm doing things for her or giving her the things she always wanted in a relationship...
she told me she feels that she dun deserve me being so nice to her,
now i understand why,
because i was never important to her,
she knows it inside...
its not because i dun deserve her,
its because the only person she feels deserves her is her ex...

she is too caught up in her own world of pessimism and self-pity,
too caught up in believing that the only person who can give her happiness is her ex,
that when the real happiness comes,
she cant recognise it, she cant embrace it but rather,
she would choose to imprint it on her ex, believing that she can make him give her the happiness that she wanted by keep telling him what she wants...
when his heart is no longer there,
when he can never change his fundamental character...

all your promises is like air to me now...
empty...

alvinz blogged at 12:35 PM

***

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Counting down the hours...

Its less than 12 hours now...
and i'll be seeing her...

had a bad night,
just cant sleep well,
keep thrashing on my bed,
knocking my head on the wall,
kept thinking of her...

all my suppressed feelings thruout the week exploded last night...
and i tot i had successfully controlled my emotions,
when it turns out that they were only suppressed...

its like i'm forcefully tearing myself away from a perfect union,
like separating myself from our intertwinning souls...
so painful...

am i right or am i wrong?
i still dunno at this time...
i really hope she'll be happy...
really...

i shall shoulder this alone...
since it started with me...
it should end with me...

alvinz blogged at 8:47 AM

***

Friday, December 15, 2006

The final steps...

Checking through my fading procedures...

1- clean up friendster account, change status to single - check
2- stop viewing our photos and hide them up somewhere in hope i'll forgot in time to come - check
3- change my handphone pic - check
4- present for tmr - check
5- delete all her sms from my phone - hmm... maybe later... when i have the courage to do so ba

Wat else? hmm...

you know, somehow i just dun feel too good about it...
i'm feeling the pain again...
the pain of losing her to some jerk...
the pain of knowing that she'll suffer...
the pain of losing such a nice soulmate...
the pain of leaving her to fend for herself...

God! Why issit still so painful?
Isn't my mind madeup already?
didn't i have the courage to do it already?

i can't believe that i'm still dreaming on the bus trips that i had throughout the week, of the happy times we'll have if we got together,
thinking of all the things we can do together,
thinking of the stuff we like,
thinking of how happy we'll be,
and i'll be smiling to myself...
wat the heck!
Stop this nonsense!

i dunno...
i am afraid she'll get hurt...
really...
if she gets hurt, i'll feel hurt too...
if she feels upset, i'll feel sad too...
GOD!
I wanna burst already!
And its already confirmed that its gonna be tmr!
I can't continue blogging anymore...
this is gonna be a long night for me...
and i can feel my tears coming...

alvinz blogged at 3:36 PM

***

Godly advice...

Had another session of discipleship with pastor Gideon today,and i found myself growing in the lord again...Exchanged quite a number of useful insights to wats happening in our lives,and i've to thank God for blessing me with them,cos it'll make me stronger for the obstacles ahead in my life...

and then it just had to come to the segment of him questioning me about her,and how's my relationship with...
somehow the slight smile when he asked me that question seems to imply that he knows something even though i never told him about it...
Gosh!
how could he know wats happening in my life when i kept my life a secret from most of my church mates...
Did God reveal it to him?
I seriously dunno man...
and sensing my hesitation, then he said "in between us, there shdn't be things that we shd hide from each other, i would love to share my problems and joys with you too."

Well, his sincerity melted my heart just then... oops, am i using the wrong phrasing?but anyway, i decided to tell him a brief portion of it and the decision that i had let her go seek her own happiness...

to which, he showed me a passage from the bible in the book of Ephesians chapter 5 verse 22 to 28 which goes like this:

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

I felt it was very very meaningful...and it coincides with what i've always felt...that our love for our wives/life partner should be one that will be greater than anything on Earth, other than for the love of God which is definitely uncomparable...not so sure about how women would react to submitting totally to their husbands though haha...

but anyway, pastor Gideon went on to explain the verses,he said that loving our wives would mean that we are willing to even just give up our lives for her so that she would live,it is so great that it is as equal as how Jesus loves the church and died for mankind...wow, it is really great...
and at that point in time, something struck me,i asked myself:"Am i prepared to give up my life for you? Are you worth everything in my life that i would give up everything and do anything just to make you happy?"and i smile confidently to myself, i always know the answer and it seems so familiar to me... dying for the sake of my love is an honour...

And he went on to share a true account from his Malaysia retreat with the adult group...He told me that one night while they were having a exchange session with married couples,they asked an old elderly couple in their 70s about what they love about each other after 40 years of marriage...and the wife looked at the husband lovingly and said "I would never have become who i am on my own, he led me and guide me to be who i am and am proud of."to which the husband also replied "she complement me very well thru these years."
And i mean... wow, so sweet right? the power of LOVE...So real, so true, so everlasting...just like how God loves us and will take care of us...

i'm a sucker for true love, for the perfect love,
i know it, i admit it...
and girl, you once asked me whether true love exists, whether love is really everlasting...my answer to you is always yes,they do exist and i can show you how...

but i know i'll never have the chance to show you the truth, to guide you and to love you the way you want it anymore...

alvinz blogged at 10:07 AM

***

Friends and Foes...

Wisemen always say...

only in times of crisis, will you really see who are your real friends,
and who are not...
to all those people who comforted me sincerely,
i give you my loyalty to be the best friend you've ever had...
whereas to all who tried to strike me at my lowest period,
F*** off man!
you lowest lifeform dun even deserve to speak to me,
let alone be my friend...

let me show you guys an example of a F***** who speaks shit like nobody's business and i shan't mention names cos i think this person ought to be ashamed of himself when he sees this and still says he's a friend of mine:

"
($nae$): yo
(me): yes?
($nae$): you still attached? lolz
(me): haha, your business ar?
($nae$): no la, to suan you
(me): issit? why would i talk to someone who wanna suan me?
($nae$): no la, just kidding...
(me): haha
"
and then we went on to talk about some issues with investment and he was like asking for my opinions on whether its a good time to invest... and because i know how stingy he is and that he only has eyes for female agents who dresses sexily to show him boobies then he will sign, so i refused to tell him my opinions unless he shows his sincerity by booking an appt with me... and my test revealed his true colours!
"
($nae$): wats tt new plan with investment?
(me): u wanna know ar? book an appt with me lor
($nae$): eeeeee, u not chio bu leh
(me): haha, not chio bu then u go look for ur chio bu agent ba
($nae$): haha, i think i wanna be insurance agent, can find chio bu gfs
(me): haha, dun come waste my time la
"
and at this point of time, after wasting my time of discussing investment with him, he went on to say things which pisses me even more...

"
($nae$): like you leh, learn from you one, u shd be honoured
(me): i taught you wat?
($nae$): i following your footsteps mah, fake n go do survey to jio chio bu, main motive is to find gf...
(me): i think you better watch your mouth
($nae$): sorry, the truth hurts, ouch
(me): dun worry, i'm sure people can tell what true friends are, ur words will come back to haunt you, dun worry, i'll make sure of that...

"
And here i am, making sure that this kind of people dun deserve true friends!
!@##%$^%
best time to say such words to me right? F******!

and this guy has been pissing me off right from the start since sept when i was going thru another down period, when he was asking me to give up waiting for the girl i love... look at the kind of words he said which i will always remember:

"
($nae$): aiya, let me analyze the situation for you, judging from your looks, i think you lose to me ba, if the ex better than you, then u can forget it, and judging from your assets, the ex got a car to ferry her around, so if i'm the girl, it'll be better for me to stay with him, thirdly...
"

kaoz... i cant stand this kind of people man, simply no standard, no morals at all... talking to him makes my IQ drop big time! One of his advices even include:

"
($nae$): aiya, r/s is just an indirect way for you to get pussy mah, so if you can eat her, eat her first, so if the r/s dun work out, you wun lugi, at least you gain something, like me liddat, everything you do must not lose, wat you sow you reap, if no gain means you lose la, even if you lose emotionally, u must gain physically so you still gain...

"

TOTALLY CRAP SHIT RIGHT?!
PEOPLE WITHOUT BRAINS MAY JUST DO ALL THE WRONG THINGS HE STATED LA!
I HOPE HE DUN MAKE MORE FRIENDS ELSE HE WILL ONLY LAND THEM IN TROUBLE!

kaoz... God knows how i can get such friends man...
seriously, i think the world would be a better place without them...

alvinz blogged at 1:51 AM

***

Thursday, December 14, 2006

feeling bad...

how come it feels so bad after i blocked her?
am i not prepared to be backing out on this yet?
why not?

cos it feels as though i'm leaving her to fend for herself already...
though knowing that she's still not ready for the harsh realities...

am i being irresponsible?
did i not try hard enough?
how many times must i try before i know its enough?
i dunno...

i'm so afraid that she cant take it on her own...
who is she gonna turn to when she is upset?
when her friends did something to betray her trust or ruin her impression of them?
when her work needs help?
when she got problems to discuss?
when she needs to know more about herself, what she wants and her future?

msn has become such an integrated part of our communication...
wat can i do without it?

sigh...

there's always the phone right?
if she really needs you she can just call you right?
dun make urself sound so impt la...
maybe she already got someone to help her already leh...
so stop dreaming that you are the only one for her la...
damn it!

i just gotta do it...

for her happiness, for a greater good...

Grrr...

alvinz blogged at 12:36 AM

***

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Photos from my maiden film shoot..

haha... so fun man, first time acting...
and i wonder what screen do they call this?
probably dun worth much though :P

the title for the film is '379' The movie...
haha... wonder what 379 stands for anyway (i didn't ask)
but anyway, its about a man's fall from grace fro a stupid mistake and how he picks himself up again thereafter...
and i'm just acting as one of his friend who marvels at his accomplishment and how he pampers his girlfriend haha...

and my line goes like this
"Hey Reub, that's sweet of you to pamper heather like that bro!"
and gives him a pat o the shoulder...
haha
not much screen time right?
but watever la, it is some experience to fathom of...
cos in between, there were a lot of setup problems which i shan't elaborate haha...
and one of the funniest moments is when the female lead is suppose to act lovey dovey with the male lead and kisses him when she is a lesbian! OMG! Darn funny lar! But they managed to pull it off in the end anyway... Professional sia... haha...
wait till the bloopers are out haha, post for u guys to see...
the director is darren wee, who happens to be a chinese high junior of mine... so small a world eh? haha, just enjoy the pics below ba...



alvinz blogged at 11:12 PM

***

sorry guys, here are the photos...

haha, edwin has been hounding me for them every time he sees me online...
haiyo...
here you go la!
And eng choon haven't passed me the whole group one lor...
Edwin go hound him la!

And of course, our rumoured couple, ayumi and eng choon!

Thanks guys for the fun!

alvinz blogged at 4:15 PM

***

Slowly retreating...

painfully, i blocked her up on msn...
shall not see her nor let her see me anymore...
yup, i shall slowly fade into the darkness...
leaving nothing more than just pigments of memories...

alvinz blogged at 12:45 PM

***

adjourned till sat...

i thought i could have end it off today but she's not free to meet me,
too tired?
i guess so...
well, saturday is the new date to be...
and i hope everything goes well, no more delays...

our smses were still quite cordial,
heart-warming in the friendship sense,
yup, just friendship now i guess...
and i hope i wun misinterpret it to be something more...

and i gotta try to just focus my attention on other matters,
like making new friends,
keeping in touch with my current friends,
family,
work and recreation,
self-improvement,
my business development...

Gotta thank jiahong for accompanying me last night cos he tot i might be feeling really down cos i'm suppose to end it today...
haha... guess i still have a few more days before i'm really gonna be down...
had vodka shots while playing scrabble with him...
gosh! its been ages since i last played scrabble!
and i think i improved against him cos i lost to him by 30 points instead of the usual 80 or more points haha...
though a weird combi for recre, we had fun, and it took some attention off my problems...

an end is for the better,
at least i hope so...

i must try to believe that watever that i've analysed about him is wrong,
i must try to believe that she will be happier with him,
i must try to believe that they are meant for each other and that this whole fiasco is a God-arranged period in their relationship that will strengthen them...

Everyone has a role to play in one another's life,
i guess this is mine...

alvinz blogged at 11:56 AM

***

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I'm sick...

Down with sore throat and flu...
damn...
must be my sleepless nights and lower food consumption...
die die...
so tired and sickly now...


alvinz blogged at 12:55 PM

***

Wish you were here...


Well, i guess i'll be catching all these beautiful sights on my own from now onwards...

and i better get used to it...
fast...

alvinz blogged at 12:25 PM

***

I see a solution...

I've been talking to a lot of close friends on this problem...

and they told me some of their views...

and i realise that only i can give you this kind of happiness...

and i guess i shall do it...

if this is what will make you happy,

i'm prepared to do it for you...

as long as you will be happy...

i'll give you my happiness...

alvinz blogged at 1:54 AM

***

Monday, December 11, 2006

alvinz blogged at 12:44 PM

***

Dear father God, i pray for Serene...

i pray to you father god,
that serene will be able to wake up on her naiveness,
that she will be able to see the truth in her eyes,
and feel the truth with her heart,
and do the correct things with the firmness of her will,
and steer clear of any hardships that will be waiting for her if she makes a wrong decision or continue in her naiveness...
i hope you can help her,
really...
bless her with my request...
so that she can be happy and stronger...
and i pray all this in jesus most precious name, Amen!

i do not understand why she just cannot see it...
she cannot see how manipulative he is when he played all those mind games with you,
how she is so used to being manipulated by him that she doesn't even realise it and continue to do his bidding whether reasonable or not,
how she has already lost the will to stand up on her own,
to judge things on her own,
to be able to make her own decisions on her own,
and remain firm and confident of her own decisions...

i was so afraid that i am biased when i made those comments about him,
but it turns out that everyone agrees,
and that her reaction is exactly that of someone who is totally under control and manipulated by him...

and i feel so helpless...
so helpless that i cant make her see this truth...

she has been controlled for so long,
a small woman for so long...
when its not her fault, it becomes her fault because he says so,
when she wants to do something for herself, she cannot because he forbids it,
when she feels something is not right and wanna correct it, she cant because he says her thinking is wrong and she should follow his thinking...

and now, when she thought she had made a correct decision,
she cant remain firm to it because she has lost the confidence in her own judgement to see her decision thru cos she will be afraid that she might be wrong...
she has became reliant on him to make decisions for her,
she's just like a zombie that responds to his calling only...

and naively,
she believes that love is about conditions...
i cant believe that she believe that if she's able to show him that she loves him truthfully,
he'll love her 10 times back!
i mean...
can love ever be measured in mathematics? on a scale?
does love comes with terms and conditions?
cant she see that he is manipulating her again?
so that means if she kiss him once he'll have to kiss her back 10 times?
this is so childish and untrue...
and only when she loves him, then he will love her issit?
hah~ what kind of love is he showing you girl?
why are you still pinning for this kind of guy who is now treating you like some love dispenser?
you put in coins then you get an amount of love for the price you pay?
this is bullshit!

did i ever ask u to love me back before i love you?
did i ever ask for your payment before i show u my care and concern?
love is priceless girl...
it has to come from within, it has to come willingly,
can you see the deception in this guy not?
i really wanna pull my hair off liao...

and i did tell you that most of the time when couples break up, they dun come back together again because usually its because its the final straw and they really can see why they shdn't be together anymore, thats why they broke up...
things are just not the same anymore,
you can never just wipe everything off and pretend nothing happened,
that things will be fresh again,
will be even better...
and a leopard can never change its spots!

and i seriously hope that if ever you guys are to patch up again,
that his meaning of loving you 10 times back is not actually to restrict or manipulate you 10 times more in severity!
you know what kind of life will that be?
i hope you will never get to experience that...

i dun understand why you are so blinded!

and my heart is aching for you,
i can see the heartbreaks coming ahead for you,
but i'm helpless in your decision,
helpless to help the person i love,
cos she dun wanna help herself...

can you just stand up on your own?!?!?
stand up and face reality?!?!?!
quitting is not always about giving up, its recognising that somethings are just not meant to be...
you understand?
you were never wrong to him in any way because we have never done anything inappropriate!
and now he is pushing all the blame to you?
pls girl... pls...
cant you see?

it is always a misfortune for someone who cannot make her own decision cos she's not living a life of her own... can you see that?
once you follow the wrong person... you are a goner...

really...
you are very childish...
i can only hope and pray that you'll be able to mature and grow up,
to see the truth just in time to prevent future heartbreaks in your life...

this is the truth that i see...
but i dun wish to tell her now...
cos i think she will just think i'm on a smearing campaign...
i seriously hope and pray that she'll not have to go thru all the heartbreaks to learn this lesson...
pls serene...
pls wake up...
i love you and i dun wish to see you sad...

alvinz blogged at 1:08 AM

***

Sunday, December 10, 2006

A zoukout affair... with her n frenz...

i've been pleading to God to help me see the truth in this whole affair,
to help me put an end to my suffering fast...
and i thought my opportunity came when eng choon told me ayumi is giving up her tics cos she's not going anymore...
i knew from our previous conversations that she'll be going with her frenz tonight,
and it seems like God is making my wishes come true...
i prepared myself for the worst answers i might received like she has already made up her mind to stay with him and she's just waiting for the right time to break it to me...

tried to look around for friends to accompany me to zoukout but none of them was free, so i had to go alone but it turned out to be a better decision...

as i was shooting a film before that,
the timing was super tight for me,
and i was almost late for the 9p.m entry time limit for the early birds tics...

finally met up with her friends,
a mixture of close ones and not that close ones,
hit it off with them pretty well,
had a few drinks with them, got us all pretty high before proceeding to dance on the beach...

i wonder if she's happy to see me after so long,
if she is, she's trying really hard to suppress it...

with a lot of people making out in the background and disgusted by what we saw,
i pulled her to a quiet place for a good talk,
a talk which i tot could end this whole thing...

and i started off with "Is there something you wanna tell me?"

she said no, there's nothing...

i told her that i'm prepared for a rejection already, so pls go ahead...
but she said no, she hasn't...

and i trust her in her words,
she still hasn't patch up with her ex...

and i asked her if he has been picking her up to send her home from work every night,
she said no, she took taxi home...

i heave a sigh of relief at that...

i went on to present my views of her previous relationship to her,
to show her another perspective instead of the one that she's currently stuck in...

i analyze just how manipulative her ex was when on so many occasions,
played mind games with her,
from the cool-off period to friendster pics and status, to telling her he has moved on and knowing a new girl, trying to spite her repeatedly...
manipulate her to be under his control,
and she herself is too used to being under his control that she dun even realised this character trait of his!
i mean anyone who is not in love with him can see this truth but she is too drawn to this roller coaster ride that he is giving her...
that perhaps they have a chance of reaching that height when they were really in love with each other again...
he has made her so tuned to him that she cannot control her own will anymore...
she cannot think logically,
she can only think emotionally,
and when someone think emotionally, they can never come up with a rational or a good decision...

she told me that she can never see us quarrelling to the extent that she and her ex will,
and now they are still quarrelling even when they are now of different status...
and man, seriously, wat makes you so sure that he will change for the better if he's laying down terms and conditions for you to love him before he can bring himself to love you?
show him that you love him and he'll love you back 10 times more?
such a childish statement!

cant u see that he is playing with your feelings already?
he has already retreated into a state whereby he doesn't want to put out anymore,
he just wants to get you back for the sake of getting you back!
maybe because he doesn't want to lose to me?
that he treats you nothing more than a trophy?

can a couple function properly if the trust is not there anymore,
nor can they ever have a constructive discussion regarding anything under the sun?

and i dun understand why do u still pin for him when u agreed with me that i'm the one who has been teaching you and guiding you towards growing up and facing the harsh realities in life,
that i'm the one who has been the pillar of support for you all these while,
that no matter wat happens, we just cant get angry with each other,
that i'm the only one that you feel comfortable with discussing such matters with me,
that i'm the one who has shown and given you everything that you've ever crave for in a relationship when we were together,
that we are that perfect together?

i seriously dun understand why i'm the one for you in so many things,
yet i'm still not the one for you...

wat has he done for you other than playing mind games and passing restrictions on you?
and providing you with the physical satisfaction?

if you love someone, would you ever bear to play mind games with him/her and make her suffer?

cant you see?
cant you see?

maybe i'm too nice to you already...
i've always been trying to teach you to become a stronger person,
someone who can make your own decisions and remain firm to it,
someone who can herself provide me with her own view of things, not just listen to me even though i may be more experienced,
someone who is not a zombie,
and i've never rushed you to go into a relationship with me,
only when you are ready and decided to move on...
why would i want a girl who yearns to be manipulated and dun have a mind of her own?
cant you see you are returning to your previous state?

i was just too nice to you
in the way i always wanted to be nice to you...

i just hope that i can help you,
to walk away from a past thats not worth hanging on to...
but you have to decide this step for urself, then i can help you...

alvinz blogged at 11:20 AM

***

Saturday, December 09, 2006

And... i called her...

slept at 3:30 last night and woke up so early at 8 this morning...
really wats wrong with me?
just cant get enough sleep these days...
i think i've been thinking too much already...

and i just cant stand the urge...
i remembered my morning irritating phone calls to you...
i missed ur scolding...
i missed ur sleepy voice...

so i called you after much reluctance...
but you didn't pick it up this time...
waited for you to return my call but you didn't...
and i decided to call you one more time which you didn't pick up again...
then i smsed you to tell u i'm sorry and that i know u r not ready to talk to me and i hope u r still fine and happy...

its been a week since i last heard your voice...
miss it so much...

and i'm just dying to know what are the things going on in your life...
i wanna know how you are getting...
and i wanna share how things are going for me too...
and i wonder if u r dying to know the things going on in my life?
or perhaps it doesn't matter to you already...

somehow, this whole thing is making me numb...
numb to all the pain...
i have been in pain all these while...
getting used to their company...
and i feel that people who might wanna hurt me, can just come...
come hurt me!
i'll be numb to you all!
cos there's no one who can hurt me as much as she does...

its ironical why everytime its always the people who matter most to you, are able to hurt you the most...
its precisely that they matter, that every hurt they whip has added impact...
they are important pple in your life because you feel that they have the least possibility of hurting you...
but when they really do...
it really hurts like hell...
hurts like you've been stabbed right thru the heart...
its like only one hurt can take ur life away...

now that she didn't even reply my sms nor return my call, i realise that she is really really firmer this time in trying to get her directions right...
and i just wanna tell her that she needn't rush into a relationship with me,
but i can be there to help her to move on...
that is if she wants to...

but i dunno how to tell her this...
will it get thru to her?
will she even read my sms?
i'm always here for you girl...
always...

alvinz blogged at 9:39 AM

***

When is the right time?

this is just so sad...
wonder if its the alcohol in my blood?
i'm not drunk...
just abit tipsy...

sang a few new songs for the first time,
malu myself out...

it was 11p.m....
with the music blaring in the background and the guys playing their games,
i was thinking of you again...

did u just knock off?
r u happy that the weekend is ahead?
did u just had a good day at work?
did he fetch u off work?
r u meeting him again this weekend for some fun?
did u make any progress on your thinking?
When is the right time for me to call you to resume our daily phone calls?
when is the right time to ask you for the answer again?

i dunno...
there's no hint from her...
and i dunno whether i shd hint her again?
whether i shd just give her a call to test water and see if she will return my call?
i dunno this time...

a lady just sang "wo yao kuai le",
one of her favourite songs,
she didn't sing as well as her...
but it did enough to remind me of you...
your voice, your feelings,
everything so vivid in my memories...

wats your definition of happiness?
issit something i can provide?
or issit something which only he can provide?
didn't i give and show you enough that i can give u your type of happiness?
i dunno...

i miss her so much...

i see eng choon and ayumi playing around with their tickling, pinching...
reminded me of us in good times...
when can we resume such days?
and continue to create more memories of us?
i dunno...

I brought my cousin along to this outing cos i wanted to show her around Singapore...
the guys commented that she's pretty after she's left,
why dun i consider her?
nah...
u r more beautiful than anyone i've seen so far in my life...

the guys commented that she's sweet and innocent and seems easy to take care of...
i agree...
but the only person i wanna take care of is you...

can u hear me girl?
do you know i'm pinning for you?
do you know that you r my one and only and i've made myself your one and only too?
r u thinking of me just as i'm thinking of u?
or is ur mind filled with him only now?

the alcohol is making me sleepy too...
is alcohol the only way to help me sleep well now?
i dunno...
i think crying is another way...
cos it'll make ur eyes tired...
haha...

alvinz blogged at 2:42 AM

***

Friday, December 08, 2006

I WANNA SCREAM!

I WANNA SCREAM THAT I MISS YOU!
SO MISS YOU!
MISS YOU MISS YOU MISSSSSSS YYYYOOOOUUUUUU!

The day is approaching day by day...

will you tell me you'll stay with him or embark on a new journey with me?

and the guys have been trying to get me out to hang out with them,
to help me move on, out of my depression...
wanting me to drink,
to sing, to make merry...

but really, i dun feel like singing without my number 1 duetist, that is you girl...
you are the best girl i've ever heard who can sing so well with me...
and i wonder if i'm also the best guy who can sing so well with you too...
i hope i am...
i hope to be your man...
and i hope u can be my girl...
really just no mood...
until this whole thing is settled...

i just dun understand why girls can be so silly one...
why?

i've been pondering too,
will she give me the ans that she'll choose neither one of us? again?
i've told her so many times before that this is the worst choice...
hurting all 3 of us...
and not solving the problem...

sigh...
BIG SIGH....

and friends have been telling me..
the fastest way to solve this problem is that one of the guys must let go...
can i let her go when she's so perfect to me?
i dunno...
i really dunno...

alvinz blogged at 1:29 PM

***

sad songs sad mood sad atmosphere...

whenever i'm sad, i like to listen to sad songs,
just like her...
and i dunno why,
to amplify the sad mood?
to vent my feelings thru singing them?

they speak closely to my life, my story maybe?
i feel that they are the closest companion to me now...
been listening non-stop to them...
especially wo yi wei...
just love it...
cos it makes me feel like crying...
cry and cry and cry...

and i dunno how i can just force myself to fall asleep every night without listening to your voice,
and i especially hate it when i have to wake up every morning to remember how much i miss you all these while...
why dun all of this just end when i finally cant wake up the next morning anymore?
well, cos i know i still wanna live to see you... happy...and well...

and i remembered that you told last friday,
that you dun have the feelings,
that you dun feel like doing things for me...
but girl,
i do remember the things that you did for me...
like how i always love to feed you and to be fed by you?

do u remember the meals that we had in which you let me feed you and you fed me naturally without me insisting to feed u? weren't you doing things for me?

and do u remember the times where u let me plant a peck on your cheek without any resistance and even enjoyed the tenderness? i can always remembered the smile you gave me on the taxi last wednesday when i gave u one...

and even the simple gesture of holding your hand and clutching your waist has already became automatic because you wanted to do it for me... isn't it? or am i deluding myself again? there were so many things that you did for me... isn't it?

and even now...
i seem to understand abit more...
you are doing something for me even as of now...
you are trying to give me fairness,
you wanted to prepare yourself to be able to love me wholeheartedly without thinking of your ex isn't it?
you dun wanna shortchange me because you know i deserve more isn't it?
you are loving me now by wanting to really clear your mind and love me only...
and even if you fail...
you wun want me to get hurt as much,
so you had to do this...
you had to stop me from sinking deeper...
you had to do this because you love me...

i hope i'm right...
i hope you really love me in this way...
else i cant think of any other reason already...

alvinz blogged at 12:29 AM

***

Thursday, December 07, 2006

i fear... for my kneee...

Die die...
my knee has not recovered yet...
walking like a stupid handicap now...
jialat la...

i hope my soft bones were not eroded away during the marathon man...
so painful...
die die...
i hope God can heal me man...
pls God... pls...

alvinz blogged at 11:56 PM

***

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Missing her for 2 weeks... Happy today!

it has been exactly 2 weeks since we were out together...
miss her so much...

and i cant stand it anymore...
i sent an sms that did not require any reply from her

"i'm sorry for sending this to you but i just hope that you are coping well with your new job and not thinking of stupid things and still safe and sound. Good night."

And i cant believe it...
She sent me a reply!
it goes like

"i appreciate it.Thankew. still trying to get used to my new job n learning veri slowly coz me stupid. haha my colleagues r nice. u take care too. good night."

hahaha
i'm so silly...
now i just cant stop smiling at the sms,
just cant stop jumping around (shit, my knees still hurt),
just cant stop reading it over and over again!
haha

but i'm not gonna reply cos i know she needs her space,
i'm already being unfair by still sending this sms to her already,
i need to control myself...
i need to respect her...
and above all, i'm glad that she is still safe and sound, she is coping well and her colleagues are nice! haha... thanks for taking good care of her for me!

really veri veri happy!
just one small sms means so much to me girl...
so much...
woo hoo~

had a good talk with my mei mei just now over dinner,
was comforted to know that her life has become better and she and her bf are not as chaotic as before...
and so paiseh that it became my turn to unload to her my sorrows,
and i had a little discussion with her which sort of left me more encouraged...

I also dunno whether she is just trying to cheer me up or wat,
but...
she told me that all the things i've been doing for my love has been correct, true, touching and romantic...
she was even jealous of my love that she can enjoy all that i've done for her,
how she wish her bf could do things for her like this...
haha, oops...

and when i did a survey with her on whether if she was my love,
would she choose to hang on to the ex who has been with her for 5 years but who has been hurting her and the relationship is not what it was anymore, or would she be prepared to take the risk with another guy which so far, everything seems good and did all thsoe nice things for her and give her everything she wants,
she chose the new guy!
haha...

maybe she's just trying to cheer me up ba,
but she did gave an explanation on her choice,
she agreed with me that she'll still have feelings for her ex,
even now that she's currently in a 2 years relationship already, she still has feelings for her first ex, the most memorable one...
and i was like... wah lao, so long liao still got feelings ar?
then wouldn't she be like unfaithful to her current one?
then she state that it is very hard to forget the memories, but people still have to move on for a better or more compatible person to carry on their lives with... it is simply illogical to keep hanging on to something that will never bloom...

well, i hope thats the case,
i hope that she will be logical in her choice,
hope that she will know wats best for her...
hope she'll really be happy...

and i'm prepared to make the sacrifice, just so long as she is happy and will remain happy...
i believe thats true love...
isn't it?

alvinz blogged at 11:28 PM

***

A song just for me...

This song was recommended to me by Huiling who overheard it on radio...
One of the new songs of Pin Guan...

haha...
so qiao...
came at this right time...
Exactly like my story...
Like my mood...

Maybe this is an omen ba...
an omen to tell me it is all for nought...
maybe it was all planned out already,
maybe she already kenw the answer who she wants to stay with already,
and this 2 months that she was with me was only an appreciation for my efforts...
maybe ba...

everyone enjoy this...
if cannot see the lyrics, please switch to unicode...

黄品冠-我以为
★ music ★
你曾说不想有天让我知道
你对他有那么好
你说会懂我的失落
不是靠宽容就能够解脱
我以为我出现的时候刚好
你和他正说要分开
我以为你已对他不再期待
不纵容他再给你伤害
我以为我的温柔
能给你真的愉悦
我以为我能全力
填满你感情缺口
专心陪在你左右
弥补他一切的错
也许我太过天真
以为奇迹会发生
我以为终究你会慢慢明白
他的心不在你身上
我的关心你依然无动于衷
我的以为只是我以为

我以为我的温柔
能给你真的愉悦
我以为我能全力
填满你感情缺口

专心陪在你左右
弥补他一切的错
也许我太过天真
以为奇迹会发生

他让你红了眼眶
你却还笑着原谅
原来你早就想好
你要留在谁身旁
我以为我够坚强
却一天天地失望
少给我一点希望
希望就不是奢望
却输得那呢绝望

alvinz blogged at 2:01 PM

***

More pics from the marathon...

Yup, these pics have arrived at last, my friend guang jie is really efficient sia...
proud finishers of the marathon, here we are again!
haha, actually i was the one urging them to take pics most of the time cos its my maiden marathon whereas its their third already... oops!



alvinz blogged at 10:03 AM

***

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

An overnight outsider...

I feel like an outsider...
not knowing anything...
i dunno how is she coping with her new job,
whether her ex has been trying hard to win her back,
whether she has any progress on her thinking...

I wanna call her, wanna sms her but i know i cant...
i have the urge to just rush down to her workplace to fetch her home from work since its so late at night but i know i cant...
i dun wanna be unfair...
i'm a stupid honest guy when it comes to listening to what my girl commanded...
but i think my stupid honesty is gonna cost me...
wat if she became more touched if her ex went to fetch her?
or continue to sms sweet nothings to her?
i dunno whether is she gonna appreciate my effort at respecting her commands...
i'm a sucky honest guy...
and i'm gonna suffer for it...

i just feel like i have no control, no say in anything thats happening now,
i dunno the deadline,
i dunno what prompted her to start this thinking thru period now,
maybe it was her ex who asked her to reconsider again?

i'm so lost...

it was such a big bomb, a bomb that exploded right in front of me,
and i'm in a daze...

i could still remember the time where we were actually discussing about her feelings for her ex with me during the previous thinking thru period... but now, it seems like i can't help her discuss it in the unbiased way anymore, i cant prevent her thinking from making her depress anymore, i cant protect her anymore, i cant do so many things for her anymore...

Girl, u ask me what do i like about you before and i didn't tell you this point because when i say it, it'll make me feel so jealous... but i still like this point about you...

This quality of you remaining so faithful to the person u love is what i really love about you...
it is so true, so determined so precious that i really feel that whoever can win your heart is really blessed to have you as his girlfriend cos even though you are such a wonderful girl who would not have shortage of attention from other guys, your guy will still be able to feel secure going thru the relationship with you...

and why do i cherish this quality of yours is also because i am like you too... and i feel that the only girl who deserves to be loved in the way that i loved and cherish her is to have someone who would love and cherish me back in the same way... thats why i always have this belief that you are the one for me cos it is so rare to find someone with so many specific qualities that i'm looking for...

but now i'm an outsider...

it seems like if this thing does not turn in my way,
we'll never be the soulmate that we both recognised each other to be, anymore...

alvinz blogged at 9:06 PM

***

Monday, December 04, 2006

Suppressing and enduring...

Girl, i know its your first day of work on your new job today...
And i wanna wish you all the best, and i wanna hear how did you fare on your first day and lend you my support... wanna just give you a call as if i'm from the "Association of the new employees help group"... but i know i cannot, cos your determination to wanna just sort out your thoughts showed me that what you need most now is the freedom of space to think things thru... To really be firm in your final decision, to set your sights on what you really want for your future relationship... and what i must do to lend support is really to control myself, to suppress my urges to call you, to sms you, to contact you...

I really must do it!

For your sake i will endure everything and anything!

But what i'm afraid is there might be people who can't honour their words and still continue to take your space away by continuing to try to brainwash you to their advantage... i can only hope for the best that none of these is happening and that God can be fair to all of us... I trust in you girl... I really do...

Good luck girl, work hard, i'm with you in spirit...

alvinz blogged at 11:44 PM

***