Saturday, March 31, 2007

Can i stop thrashing in my bed?

i think i can...
i've always work with this belief that by the time your hurts will no longer make me thrash in my bed,
you would have meant nothing to me already...
if peace comes at that price...
i'll pay the price which i've always find it reluctant to do so...

alvinz blogged at 11:23 AM

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Holding on with no reason...

it is obvious...
obvious that she's defending him...
and defending their failed r/s...
again...
and even when she can say that she feels nothing for him,
i finally found out the part 2 to her answers which she has always been hiding inside her last night...

"when couples are together for a long time already, its naturally that feelings will die down, i'll not have the longing to see him cos the honeymoon period is over, but that doesn't mean it is a strong enough reason for me to believe i dun love him anymore..."

i had held on to a false fact, believing that it was true,
that she no longer feels anything for him...
that she dun miss him, she dun have the longing to see him, that she feels normal just like treating any friend when talking to him...
and all of these, which should logically and rightfully point towards the conclusion that she do not love him anymore, can be so easily overthrown by her own psychological manipulation of her own mind, to change her own definition of love to even believe that in the absence of all these feelings, she could still be loving him...

and which i must agree...
love is a feeling that is undescribeable...
love makes you do things which you cant explain why you do it, yourself...
so she is doing things that she cant explain, which even i also cant explain for her...
so i guess she loves him...
and she has made me done so many things for her which i cant explain why i would go thru all these troubles to do it...
i guess i love her...
no...
i knew i love her...

but...
i'm so silly...

silly to the fact that like her,
i'm holding on without a reason...
it is obvious she dun love me...
it is obvious that she just wanna hang on to him because she still loves him...
it is obvious that i'm just a substitute in her life...
and it is even more obvious that she has never shown me the kind of recognition and security that i'm the man who has been making such a big difference in her life...

but i'm silly enough to hold on...

silly enough to be blocking out every girl who is interested in me just for her...
silly enough to be giving up so much of my time to accompany her just so that she can be happy...
silly enough to believe that she will be faithful to me and trust me...
silly enough to keep on believing her that she is trying her best to be fair to me by trying to solve this problem fast...

i'm so silly...
And i think i know what is the fairest thing to do now...

alvinz blogged at 10:32 AM

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Am i an evil person?

I must admit, i was once again devastated when she told me that she is going for a movie with him...
sigh...
my first thought was: "Again? And i thought i've given them enough chances and time to patch up liao... and now, again?"
i thought he has retreated, for he said he has no motivation to be in a relationship anymore... but i guess, things just doesn't change isn't it?
he will always come back and haunt us like a restless spirit...

and i thought also...
can i once again be a gentleman and endure all these sad feelings alone and let them enjoy time again?
after so long when i thought our feelings were finally moving along, and i felt her accepting me a little more each day...
then this have to come...
once again, i'm lost...
the kind of assurance that i thought i was finally given turned out to be false... or issit?

why then did she actually asked if i would be ok if she goes for the show with him?
why, it feels like she is treating me as her bf and really asking for my consent?
it felt good and comforted me at that point in time... until it hit me as to whether my view of her actions would mean anything to her or not?
would she not go with him if i tell her i'm not happy abt it?
or would she still go ahead knowing that i'll definitely be upset by it?
i really do not understand this...
just wat is she thinking?
what is she trying to achieve out of this?
i do not know...

my heart hurts as my words caused her tears to fall...
i know she is struggling inside her to find out the answer, but has there been any progress at all? how can one still feel as if she is in love with the person when there's no longing, no affections? i just dun understand this...
Isn't it clear enough?
but this also brought back memories, memories of how my first ex had put me in the same situation, with me knowing that i can only accept her answer and my answer do not have any significance to the situation at all...
that was so helpless, and i could only swallow it...

how can i be sure that you are not asking me for "fun"?
Am i an evil person who presses for answers and puts u in an emotional spot?
i dunno how to help u except advise you and show you the things which are obvious... but even obvious things do not hold truths to you anymore...
Then there is nothing else i can do... but to prepare myself for that possible day...
the day that she might tell me she can't trust her logic anymore,
that she believes in the stubborn and unexplainable actions of hers to keep holding on is the proof that she loves him...
that i'm not the one after all...

alvinz blogged at 2:27 AM

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Monday, March 19, 2007

Still Waiting... with a different background...

All's calm now...
A very encouraging talk it went...
i guess both of us just cant bear to be seperated for too long...
both were happy to see each other...

i can remember the scene when she saw me appeared suddenly at her workplace and her face just brightened up immediately, and she sank into her role of a demure girl who's touched by the presence of her lover appearing...
and i remembered the way she skipped her way back to her lab when she forgot to take something before we left...
so sweet...
only i can see it...
is she aware of the simple happiness that i created in her?
is she aware of her own reaction?

We had a really long talk, 4 hours? We sat there examining what exactly needs to be done, what are the obstacles that are still standing in our way, and i gave her 2 options...
no unreasonable force, just a comforting environment...
and she made that choice...
the encouraging choice...
i could see now, where exactly that she wanna head towards...

And I wanna be there to support and encourage her as she climbed her way out of the chaos that was tormenting her for one whole year already...
i'm here for u my love...

alvinz blogged at 9:46 PM

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Waiting... day 2...

Broke my rule again last night,
its just so painful not to talk to her at all for one whole day...
i think it has gotten worse for me,
i love her so deeply, even more deeply than ever before...
how am i to get out of it if the outcome is not what i always thought it will be?

what if at the very last moment, she comes and tell me that she did everything that she did with me in a folly?
what if the sweetness that she has shown me before, all the behaviour that is only possible if she feels like a girlfriend to me, are just my own figment of imagination?
what if her assurances that her positive answers to all my qns are false?

wise men say one of the greatest rewards of being in a relationship is knowing that the person you love, needs u...
will she need me?
i know i yearn for her and i need her to bring those unique smiles to my otherwise, dull face...
but am i significant and of any importance to her in her life?
does she see me under the same special light just like i see her?

i'm asking questions i've no answer for...

i had a chance to talk to ah juan last night, sharing my troubles with her...
and i was delighted that i managed to receive some enlightenment from her...
she said that in a relationship, when the love component is no longer doing most of the work in maintaining the relationship, the pillars of friendship takes over... and if even that fails, then there's no use trying anymore, just like she and her ex bf whom she has held on for ages and ages without realising it...
which is why, girls should actually cherish their friends more so that they can rely on them for support when their love life doesn't work out!
and she confessed to being someone who cherishes friends more than her bf... and that actually, she would find losing a friendship more painful than losing a bf who is not compatible with her...
but that isn't the direct realisation that i had...
but rather, it sets me on a self-reflection...
i asked myself this question: "Was i too harsh in telling her that the price that she has to pay to be with me is to lose contact with her ex?"
which could very well translate into something else when viewed from her perspective:"The price i must pay to be with you is to lose a friendship which i had for 6 long years?"

wow, i've never seen this perspective before...
it got me guilty...
am i too selfish by doing that?
even though i do dislike the very same guy who has falsely accused me, being rude to me and caused so much problems for us by being so irritatingly annoying, am i too selfish to breakup a friendship as well?
to me, my love would rank above all friendships...
but i know she is the type that cherishes friendship more,
am i asking for too much then?

Gosh... i'm such a selfish jerk!

but what can i do now?
shd i tell her that its ok if she maintain her friendship with him?
i am ok with that now...
but i'm not suppose to contact her!!!
sigh...
dilemma...

sigh sigh sigh...
i'm at a loss...
where is my direction?
where should i go from here?

i need some sleep man...
even sleep is becoming a problem...

i just hope that she is well...

alvinz blogged at 11:06 PM

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Waiting... 1st day...

I guess it has just boil down to this...
This period of indefinite waiting...
And again i'm waiting, and i hope it will be the last waiting period...

why did she take so long to tell me that she feels like she needs to be alone and i even have to dig it out of her before she'll tell me reluctantly?
why when i asked her last sun whether she wanna be alone and she chose to "forget" it?
why did she find it a dilemma to ask me to retreat?
issit becos she finds it hard to tear herself away from me?
issit becos one side of her tells her that she loves me, but another side of her says she's afraid of opening herself up?
issit becos she likes me but finds it a big step to commit herself to me?
issit becos she is afraid of getting hurt again when she gets into a relationship?

so many questions...
in my mind...

i'm breatheless...

but if she dun take this step,
she'll never know whether love is everlasting just as i said...
i'll never have this chance to prove to her that i am what i am and i will do what i said i would do for her...
We'll never have the chance to live out the happiness that comes after this decision...
sigh...
so close yet so far...

i'm not one to sweet talk alot, though most of the nice comments that i usually say of you comes truly from my heart... and usually when i say i will do something, i'll definitely do it...
just as i've done so all these while since you've known me...
Actions always speaks louder than words, and i know that and embraced it as my own personal principle...

but will i be given this chance?

will she pay the price of opening her vulnerable heart to me again in exchange for what i wanna show her and giving her what she always wanted?

i hope i wun have to wait too long...
Hope she can take care of herself without me around her...
loving you everyday...

alvinz blogged at 12:11 PM

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Friday, March 09, 2007

I'm sorry that i have to include this entry here... really spoiling this whole thing...

she helped keith today for his song, and i'm glad that everything went well, and she didn't make too many mistakes to the point of spoiling things... further more, the difference in the sound engineer's attitude towards her voice made all of us feel that her voice is indeed special... and i'm glad that i was there with her, encouraging her, and supporting her thru all these... and seeing her succeed in it really make me feel accomplished as well...

but i guess the things that happened today also happened for a reason ba... let me just give a intro of what are the things that happened...
1st, she met her colleague on the train when i was around, and i overheard her referring to me as just her friend when her colleague asked her if i'm her bf...
2nd, when we were going home at dhoby ghaut, just nice there was a guy who was talking loudly to his friends and complaining about the girl he had been trying to chase for a long time...
3rd, when i asked her if she missed me seriously after 4 days, she answered me seriously that she dun...
4th, she is still uncomfortable when i get close to her...
5th, she fell asleep while waiting for my return call when she knows that i'm not feeling alright...

the things got me thinking...
it has been some time since i know her, it has been some time since we are in this situation,
it has been some time since i told her that her ex has given up the pestering and chase and that she ought to decide asap if she still loves him just in case its too late for her to get back tog with him...
and she has stuck on to me...
but i seldom ask her if she is still in contact with him, but i do remember that she answered his granny's invitation to visit her for the new year just last week... though its bad to suspect all these, but i guess she is still in contact with him, maybe it was all a cover for him so that i can lower down my guard, maybe he has not given up yet, maybe she has just asked him to stay until she has made up her mind? afterall, i dunno the things that she told him...

maybe maybe...
too many maybes...

i think what i need to do is to remind myself constantly that she could still be in love with him, that she might be hanging out with me becos she pities me, that i shd not hold my hopes too high, that she might just dun wanna lose a friend? that i may not be her type but she finds it hard to tell me that? that she may still be looking around for someone that is more suited to her now that she is single and free to do whatever she wants?
i must continue to discourage myself from putting in my everything, just in case i lose too much...

i'm reminded of all the lousy feelings that i have...
that i'm not appreciated at all,
its really hard loving someone when the feelings are not mutual,
yes, i can give and give and give... but how long can i continue to give without taking? without getting some of the things that i duly deserves?

if she feels bad about joanne labelling her as her neighbour, how would i feel if i'm labelled as just her friend? if she dun miss me at all, does it justifies my feelings for her? if she feels uncomfortable with me getting close to her, maybe she's keeping herself for someone else? or maybe even, i'm too disgusting a creature to be close to?

maybe i'm asking too much from someone who treats me as just her friend ba...
its funny how i can continue to hang on when someone who supposedly loved her for 5 years has already given up...
i'm a fool after all...
but even a fool will get tired...
and i'm tired...
seriously tired and heart broken...
and i guess i can tell my colleague that the holidays are off...

alvinz blogged at 12:47 AM

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

CNY post!

This is reporter Tan reporting at the bustling site of the CNY 2007 celebrations in bukit panjang! Wow, the atmosphere here is absolutely amazing! The crowd has been chanting non-stop for the star of this year's CNY celebrations, Mr Alvin Tan, to come out! Without further ado, lets move on to the live footage now!




alvinz blogged at 11:49 PM

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