Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Bliss? Hah...

Long awaited post to my faithful readers, though i doubt they are still keeping up with my blog entries... after all, everyone should think i must be blissfully in love and happily enjoying the company of the one i love... and i'm not complaining, we were really seeing alot of each other, hanging out, celebrated my birthday together, wow that was an unforgettable night, but am i really happy?

Exams are just round the corner, it is understood that i need to spend more time with my books than with her and i understand the urgency of the matter cos i know that my future rice bowl hangs on a thin thread...

So i toil and toil in the day, constantly reminding myself that i have to do this for myself and for her so that i may be ready to be the man of her dreams with all the basic package that a successful man should have... suppressing every urge to call her or to sms her just to keep myself in full concentration of my revision... and i thought it was all worth it... worth it that i'm showing her the effort that i'm working hard, showing that i appreciate her efforts just as well to not to distract me from my work... and i hope it was all worth it so that i could just go back after a hard day, to be able to talk to her at night on the phone... to let her soothing voice comfort my tired mind and body and slowly coo me to sleep...

but it didn't happen tonight...

just one day of full separation where i didn't take the initiative to sms her a single bit, neither did she sms me... and she's contented enough to sleep on her own without our usual chat... and i decided to do nothing... maybe my effort wouldn't change anything at all...

eng choon was just gleefully telling me this afternoon on just how he and his beau were smsing and progressing well... showing me a cute sms from his beau on how honest she is with her feelings for him, just as he is to her... well, i guess that make things a lot easier and as compared to mine, i'm burdened with the task of constantly guessing every single clue that she leaves, guessing whether they are real or not? did she feel obligated to behave like this to me or not? Is she thinking of me just as i'm thinking of her or not?

But i guess, i have to say no tonight...

I was pondering the possiblity of her being occupied by the Goong vcds i had for her, but i guess its just another excuse i've thought up for her, eng choon was also playfully scolding me for pampering her too much, giving her so many reasons not to think of me... haha... is it really so?

Sometimes i do wonder, will girls sometime have the silly thought of keeping a guy hanging there because they just love to be in the courtship phase, to enjoy the guy's constant efforts to make things work out? I thought it is not possible, but eng choon's beau's confession to him makes me reverse my belief on this... is that what you are doing? keeping me hanging to enjoy?

but perhaps, i've been missing out on the most fundamental thing, maybe you just do not have that kind of feelings for me? Maybe i've been so nice to you that you found it hard to reject me? Maybe that's why you didn't want to discuss this matter or be honest with me because you didn't want it to affect my exams? Just waiting for the right time to break it to me?

Looking back, i remembered that while we still had your ex problem, your friends' problems and opinions, all the obstacles that we had, you said this to me:"All these things will either make us stronger or break us..." and now, i'm left reeling if all these that you said is true... my morale was greatly lifted when you said this that time, when you seem to have recognised "us", but now, which part of us do u actually believe in? Now that all these obstacles are gone, we've braved thru them all, are we really stronger? Do you really like me to hold your hands as we walk around?

When now, all it boils down to is... yourself...

Thats what you told me, hard as the rock, its a fact that i can only agree with you... and i took a knocking that jolted me from my daydream... isn't it that if your inner self hasn't been a problem, all the obstacles that were supposedly there would never have been any problem at all cause you will just go ahead with your stronger feelings? You'll definitely go for what you know that you wanted isn't it? And definitely, i dun think ur behaviour shows me that you want me...

I hope you will be more honest with me,
I hope you can take the initiative sometimes and express more of your feelings to me,
I hope that you can show me more of your care and concern when i need it,
I hope that i'm not asking too much...

A wish will just be a wish, my christmas wish?

How i hate this situation i'm in...

Everybody says...

If i love her, i should wait for her...

Now Thats a trick question...

How long can a guy constantly put in the effort?

Even if i love her, how would i know if she WILL EVER love me?

I hate myself for throwing myself at her, please be fair to guys can? We are not that worthless lor, if we are, then wats the point with girls falling in love with worthless things like us right?

haha... presenting the hallucinating, deluded and tired me...

I'm tired and weary...
shag...
simply tired...

alvinz blogged at 11:46 PM

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