Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Disappointed...

Disappointed that whenever they had some big quarrels, i'll be the first to be cast aside...
I can't believe my eyes when she sent me the smses to get me out of her life...
when the one quarrelling with her is not me,
when i'm not even the one at fault...

and yet just an hour before, we had just made the promise never to lose each other as friends...

and it takes a slap from my friends to jolt me from my senses,
to stop myself from blindly defending her actions...

i was always telling my friends that she's just confused,
she's just at a lost, she dunno what to do,
her actions is just to buy her the space and time to think things through...

but...

if i'm someone of importance to her,
if i'm even a friend of hers,
if all that i've done ever matters to her...

she wouldn't have done such an irresponsible thing to me,
she wouldn't have just cast me aside so easily,
and gave me nightmarish nights,
a lousy appetite,
a depressed mood,
and all this...
when its not my fault...

feel like garbage...
feel like i'm nothing at all...

her sweet assurance that i was never a substitute in her love life seems like an illusion...
so far-fetched from her actions that i find it hard to believe her...

i guess thats the reason why she feels guilty whenever i'm doing things for her or giving her the things she always wanted in a relationship...
she told me she feels that she dun deserve me being so nice to her,
now i understand why,
because i was never important to her,
she knows it inside...
its not because i dun deserve her,
its because the only person she feels deserves her is her ex...

she is too caught up in her own world of pessimism and self-pity,
too caught up in believing that the only person who can give her happiness is her ex,
that when the real happiness comes,
she cant recognise it, she cant embrace it but rather,
she would choose to imprint it on her ex, believing that she can make him give her the happiness that she wanted by keep telling him what she wants...
when his heart is no longer there,
when he can never change his fundamental character...

all your promises is like air to me now...
empty...

alvinz blogged at 12:35 PM

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