Saturday, March 31, 2007

Am i an evil person?

I must admit, i was once again devastated when she told me that she is going for a movie with him...
sigh...
my first thought was: "Again? And i thought i've given them enough chances and time to patch up liao... and now, again?"
i thought he has retreated, for he said he has no motivation to be in a relationship anymore... but i guess, things just doesn't change isn't it?
he will always come back and haunt us like a restless spirit...

and i thought also...
can i once again be a gentleman and endure all these sad feelings alone and let them enjoy time again?
after so long when i thought our feelings were finally moving along, and i felt her accepting me a little more each day...
then this have to come...
once again, i'm lost...
the kind of assurance that i thought i was finally given turned out to be false... or issit?

why then did she actually asked if i would be ok if she goes for the show with him?
why, it feels like she is treating me as her bf and really asking for my consent?
it felt good and comforted me at that point in time... until it hit me as to whether my view of her actions would mean anything to her or not?
would she not go with him if i tell her i'm not happy abt it?
or would she still go ahead knowing that i'll definitely be upset by it?
i really do not understand this...
just wat is she thinking?
what is she trying to achieve out of this?
i do not know...

my heart hurts as my words caused her tears to fall...
i know she is struggling inside her to find out the answer, but has there been any progress at all? how can one still feel as if she is in love with the person when there's no longing, no affections? i just dun understand this...
Isn't it clear enough?
but this also brought back memories, memories of how my first ex had put me in the same situation, with me knowing that i can only accept her answer and my answer do not have any significance to the situation at all...
that was so helpless, and i could only swallow it...

how can i be sure that you are not asking me for "fun"?
Am i an evil person who presses for answers and puts u in an emotional spot?
i dunno how to help u except advise you and show you the things which are obvious... but even obvious things do not hold truths to you anymore...
Then there is nothing else i can do... but to prepare myself for that possible day...
the day that she might tell me she can't trust her logic anymore,
that she believes in the stubborn and unexplainable actions of hers to keep holding on is the proof that she loves him...
that i'm not the one after all...

alvinz blogged at 2:27 AM

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