Friday, March 09, 2007

I'm sorry that i have to include this entry here... really spoiling this whole thing...

she helped keith today for his song, and i'm glad that everything went well, and she didn't make too many mistakes to the point of spoiling things... further more, the difference in the sound engineer's attitude towards her voice made all of us feel that her voice is indeed special... and i'm glad that i was there with her, encouraging her, and supporting her thru all these... and seeing her succeed in it really make me feel accomplished as well...

but i guess the things that happened today also happened for a reason ba... let me just give a intro of what are the things that happened...
1st, she met her colleague on the train when i was around, and i overheard her referring to me as just her friend when her colleague asked her if i'm her bf...
2nd, when we were going home at dhoby ghaut, just nice there was a guy who was talking loudly to his friends and complaining about the girl he had been trying to chase for a long time...
3rd, when i asked her if she missed me seriously after 4 days, she answered me seriously that she dun...
4th, she is still uncomfortable when i get close to her...
5th, she fell asleep while waiting for my return call when she knows that i'm not feeling alright...

the things got me thinking...
it has been some time since i know her, it has been some time since we are in this situation,
it has been some time since i told her that her ex has given up the pestering and chase and that she ought to decide asap if she still loves him just in case its too late for her to get back tog with him...
and she has stuck on to me...
but i seldom ask her if she is still in contact with him, but i do remember that she answered his granny's invitation to visit her for the new year just last week... though its bad to suspect all these, but i guess she is still in contact with him, maybe it was all a cover for him so that i can lower down my guard, maybe he has not given up yet, maybe she has just asked him to stay until she has made up her mind? afterall, i dunno the things that she told him...

maybe maybe...
too many maybes...

i think what i need to do is to remind myself constantly that she could still be in love with him, that she might be hanging out with me becos she pities me, that i shd not hold my hopes too high, that she might just dun wanna lose a friend? that i may not be her type but she finds it hard to tell me that? that she may still be looking around for someone that is more suited to her now that she is single and free to do whatever she wants?
i must continue to discourage myself from putting in my everything, just in case i lose too much...

i'm reminded of all the lousy feelings that i have...
that i'm not appreciated at all,
its really hard loving someone when the feelings are not mutual,
yes, i can give and give and give... but how long can i continue to give without taking? without getting some of the things that i duly deserves?

if she feels bad about joanne labelling her as her neighbour, how would i feel if i'm labelled as just her friend? if she dun miss me at all, does it justifies my feelings for her? if she feels uncomfortable with me getting close to her, maybe she's keeping herself for someone else? or maybe even, i'm too disgusting a creature to be close to?

maybe i'm asking too much from someone who treats me as just her friend ba...
its funny how i can continue to hang on when someone who supposedly loved her for 5 years has already given up...
i'm a fool after all...
but even a fool will get tired...
and i'm tired...
seriously tired and heart broken...
and i guess i can tell my colleague that the holidays are off...

alvinz blogged at 12:47 AM

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