Thursday, March 15, 2007

Waiting... day 2...

Broke my rule again last night,
its just so painful not to talk to her at all for one whole day...
i think it has gotten worse for me,
i love her so deeply, even more deeply than ever before...
how am i to get out of it if the outcome is not what i always thought it will be?

what if at the very last moment, she comes and tell me that she did everything that she did with me in a folly?
what if the sweetness that she has shown me before, all the behaviour that is only possible if she feels like a girlfriend to me, are just my own figment of imagination?
what if her assurances that her positive answers to all my qns are false?

wise men say one of the greatest rewards of being in a relationship is knowing that the person you love, needs u...
will she need me?
i know i yearn for her and i need her to bring those unique smiles to my otherwise, dull face...
but am i significant and of any importance to her in her life?
does she see me under the same special light just like i see her?

i'm asking questions i've no answer for...

i had a chance to talk to ah juan last night, sharing my troubles with her...
and i was delighted that i managed to receive some enlightenment from her...
she said that in a relationship, when the love component is no longer doing most of the work in maintaining the relationship, the pillars of friendship takes over... and if even that fails, then there's no use trying anymore, just like she and her ex bf whom she has held on for ages and ages without realising it...
which is why, girls should actually cherish their friends more so that they can rely on them for support when their love life doesn't work out!
and she confessed to being someone who cherishes friends more than her bf... and that actually, she would find losing a friendship more painful than losing a bf who is not compatible with her...
but that isn't the direct realisation that i had...
but rather, it sets me on a self-reflection...
i asked myself this question: "Was i too harsh in telling her that the price that she has to pay to be with me is to lose contact with her ex?"
which could very well translate into something else when viewed from her perspective:"The price i must pay to be with you is to lose a friendship which i had for 6 long years?"

wow, i've never seen this perspective before...
it got me guilty...
am i too selfish by doing that?
even though i do dislike the very same guy who has falsely accused me, being rude to me and caused so much problems for us by being so irritatingly annoying, am i too selfish to breakup a friendship as well?
to me, my love would rank above all friendships...
but i know she is the type that cherishes friendship more,
am i asking for too much then?

Gosh... i'm such a selfish jerk!

but what can i do now?
shd i tell her that its ok if she maintain her friendship with him?
i am ok with that now...
but i'm not suppose to contact her!!!
sigh...
dilemma...

sigh sigh sigh...
i'm at a loss...
where is my direction?
where should i go from here?

i need some sleep man...
even sleep is becoming a problem...

i just hope that she is well...

alvinz blogged at 11:06 PM

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